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DUMPSTER FIRE CAUSED BY ARSON

DUMPSTER FIRE DISTANCES SELF FROM TRUMP

In yet another blow to Donald Trump's campaign for the presidency, Dumpster Fire has rescinded it's endorsement of the GOP nominee following the release of a decade old tape of Trump making lewd comments about women. “I realize that I'm a smoldering pile of waste, spewing toxins into the air and in that regard I felt like Mr. Trump and I had an understanding,” the fire said in a press conference. “But even I have some standard for decency.” When asked about what prompted his change of heart, Dumpster Fire became visibly emotional saying, “When I think about my sister Recycling Bin Fire and my daughter, little Waste Basket Fire, I want them to live in a world where they can burn refuse to their fullest potential regardless of their gender, race, religion or their sexual orientation.” This announcement comes on the heels of Train Wreck also pulling his endorsement and Cesspool throwing her support Hillary Clinton, while Ted Cruz continues to back the Republican nominee. The Trump campaign did not respond to requests for comments for this story.  

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BOY WINS LIVE MICHEAL PHELPS IN RING TOSS AT OLYMPIC MIDWAY

Overcoming incredible odds, 11 year-old Andy Lacefield, Jr successfully tossed all five rings onto two-liter bottles to win a live Micheal Phelps yesterday in Rio de Janeiro. The audience on the Olympic Midway watched in silent awe as Lacefield deftly tossed the rings one by one, before bursting into applause and chants of “USA! USA!” as the final ring rattled and settled onto a Diet Orange Fanta bottle. “I've never had an Olympic swimmer before,” said the Bloomfield, Kentucky native. “Just some guppies. I wonder if he'll eat them.” The most decorated athlete in Olympic history darted from side to side while the young Lacefield poked at the plastic bag containing Phelps, until his mother, Jenny Lacefield told him to stop it. Mrs. Lacefield was absent from her son's successful ring toss, and when asked if watching her son compete made her anxious, she replied “Nah, I was in line for a funnel cake.”

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I just read a headline that said Prince was "quietly cremated." If at some point in the future, any of y'all set about cremating me and I get loud about it, please stop.

GOP DEBATE CANCELLED DUE TO BILE SHORTAGE

A lack of available bile has forced the cancellation of the next Republican presidential debate. Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee said that the party has gone through bile at an unprecedented rate. “We knew this was going to be a bile-intensive campaign so we bought twice as much as we usually do when rates were low back in November, thinking that would be enough to carry us through the general election. But here it is, we're not even out of the primaries and we're already dangerously low on the foul, viscous liquid.”

Paul Shivdriver of the American Bile Association said that bile producers are working at a breakneck pace to keep up with demand. “Bile production is at an all-time high, thanks to the current political climate and the GOP debates in particular. Every bile company in America has added extra shifts and we still can't keep up with the demand.” Earlier in the year, rumors swirled that the Trump campaign was using bile produced in China, but Shivdriver insisted that the campaigns are all supplied exclusively with American made bile. Suppliers of phlegm and vitriol are also reporting record sales.

Not only is the volume of bile greater than in previous years, but the candidates have insisted on using a more toxic version than ever before. Workers in Hazmat suits sealed off the Fox Theatre in Detroit following the March 3^rd debate that left a knee-deep puddle of bile. Michigan Governor Rick Snyder said that his state's EPA was working to decontaminate the venue and there were no plans to bottle and ship the bile to Flint. Not yet, anyway. Observers at other debate sites have noted that the bile is so corrosive that it has eaten through metal chairs, concrete floors and the very fabric of civic discourse.

When asked if President Obama would consider releasing some of the nation's Strategic Bile Reserves to address the shortage, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest replied “Eww.”

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Open Letter to Politifact

Dear Facts:

I greatly appreciate the work you do in fact checking the presidential debates. However, when it comes to Donald Trump's claims about his anatomy, I'd really rather not know.

Thanks-
Everyone

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