Walter Reed doctor reports that experimental treatment is “Totally, probably not at all related” to hairy animal ear growing out of Trump’s forehead.

 

One of the doctors who recently treated Donald Trump for Covid-19 denies any connection to the therapy he was given and a massive, hairy ear seen growing out the the president’s forehead. Trump received doses of an experimental antibody cocktail made by Regeneron, a company best known for having a name that makes it sound like they should be making batteries for Telsas or some such shit.

The ear went unnoticed in media reports of Trump’s condition until sharp-eyed Twitter user @mfer69hahagetit69 tweeted “Dude, that motherfucker has a motherfucking ear growing out of his motherfucking forehead” in response to a photo of Trump standing the White House balcony after returning from Walter Reed Hospital. Upon learning of the ear, Rachel Maddow of MSNBC said “Holy fuckachino – how did I miss that? I guess I was so distracted by watching that irresponsible jackass take off his facemask that I didn’t look at his forehead at all. That ear is fucking ginormous.”

Dr Anthony Kaelin, part of the team that treated Trump while he was at Walter Reed earlier this week said via telephone “Yeah, that ear thing . . .  um, we didn’t do that. I think we didn’t. I hope not. “ When asked about the ethics of using experimental treatments such as the Regeneron cocktail, Kaelin said “You know, we usually figure there will be the usual side effects like dry mouth, hair loss, suicidal ideations, shitting the bed. Not a fucking ear.”

The ear was described as “possibly bovine” and appeared to be articulated “like that extra headlight in that movie about that car with that guy in it.”

When asked if the ear might help in fighting Covid-19, Kaelin said “I don’t see how an extra ear matters since Trump hasn’t listened to a goddamned thing any reputable doc has said about the disease yet.” At press time, Kaelin was self-prescribing massive doses of sedatives.

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OFFICIAL LETTER FROM DONALD TRUMP'S DENTIST

To Whom It May Concern:

I have had the honor and privilege of serving as Donald J. Trump dentist for over 30 years. Mr. Trump's teeth are my master and I am but a humble servant. I bow down before them, roll onto my back in a submissive posture and hope they will scratch my belly.

Mr. Trump has the most teeth I've ever seen in a patient in my nearly 372 years of practicing dentistry. He has never lost a tooth. He still has all of his wisdom teeth. He has all of my wisdom teeth. His baby teeth are stored in a special pouch under his tongue.

The teeth of Mr. Trump are like those of a shark, if the shark had brushed and flossed regularly and had gotten corrective orthodontic care from an early age. Mr. Trump however never needed such orthodontics however, since his teeth have always been straight enough to calibrate a surveyor’s level.

When I first saw Mr. Trump's teeth, I wept uncontrollably at their pristine beauty. I have photographs of them that I keep in my wallet. When people ask to see pictures of my children, I show them Trump's teeth because I wish that my children, who are losers, had grown up half as perfect as those teeth.

Mr. Trump's gums are as strong as Chris Hemsworth's triceps. He flosses with the guy wire from a radio antenna.

Mr. Trump could bite the head off a man in the middle of 5^th Avenue without losing any voters. Even the man who's head was bitten off would still vote for Trump. Trump would swallow the head whole, MAGA hat and all.

All of the above statements are as true as true can be and I stake my life, my reputation and my dentistry degree from Trump University on their veracity.

Sincerely,

Dr. Teeth, DVM

OSCAR UNVEILS HARVEY WEINSTEIN LIFETIME DEPRAVEMENT AWARD

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will be presenting a new award at tonight's ceremony. According to Academy spokesperson Rebecca Bolenbaugh The Harvey Weinstein Lifetime Depravement Award will be given to an “individual who has exemplified depraved behavior throughout their career in film.” Bolenbaugh said “From the earliest days of film making, the motion picture industry has been a home to many profoundly depraved people, and in far too many cases, those depravements were never properly recognized, much less prosecuted. With the Harvey Weinstein Lifetime Depravement Award, the Academy hopes to draw attention to the most depraved people in our industry.” Bolenbaugh refused to offer any insight into who would go home with the Golden Casting Couch, saying only that the nominees were too numerous to list. The “Weinnie” will also break new ground for Oscar in that rather than the traditional acceptance speech, the presenter will stuff the statuette into the winner's mouth and secure it with gaffer's tape.

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TRUMP PRAISES NAMBLA HEALTHCARE SYSTEM IN UN SPEECH

President Trump, speaking to a group of African leaders before a luncheon at the United Nations today, praised the healthcare system of NAMBLA. Reading from a prepared statement, Trump said “In Guinea and Nigeria, you fought a horrifying Ebola outbreak. NAMBLA's health system is increasing self-sufficient.” UN observers were befuddled by the comment, since the North American Man/Boy Love Association has never sent a delegation to the intergovernmental organization. Representatives of NAMBLA could not be reached for comment. And if we could reach them, we would wear gloves, because eww.   

RA, HELIOS FIGHT OVER BURNT OFFERING IN CITY PARK

At the height of yesterday's total solar eclipse, two sun gods descended from their realms to retrieve a burnt offering that was left in Jim Roberts Community Park in Franklin, Kentucky. The Greek god Helios arrived first, shocking the crowd of residents and visitors watching the celestial event. He sniffed the air and quickly made for the offering which was left just outside the home team dugout at the softball field. Local resident Vince Mulder said “Helios done caught wind of that thing and set on it like a hound dog on a wounded rabbit.” Mulder was unaware of who had left the offering or what type of animal it was. “It was charred up pretty good so I can't rightly say. Might have been a goat or a small deer or maybe one of them fat-ass racoons that got tangled up with a bar-b-cue grill. Good riddance if it was cause those bastards is forever knocking over the trash cans.

As the Greek god was dragging the offering away toward a picnic table, Egyptian sun god Ra appeared by the second tee of the disc golf course and rushed in to seize the offering by a leg. A tug-of-war ensued, and Helios shouted “Το είδα πρώτα (I saw it first)” before punching Ra in the beak. An unidentified elderly man was heard yelling “down in front!” at the scuffling deities. Local law enforcement stepped in separate the two as the melee spilled into a funnel cake stand. While Ra and Helios were giving statements to the police, Hindu sun god Ravi, quietly made off with the charred carcass. According to a police spokesman, no arrests were made.

Beth Sirles who traveled from Middletown, Ohio to witness the eclipse, described the events as “awesome and life changing” but was “disappointed to see the afternoon marred by violence”. “I wish we could all just get along,” she said, “without letting things like race or politics or which celestial realm you hail from get in the way, you know?” Local resident Clint Peavy described the events as “Obama's fault” but his wife Jeanie Peavy disagreed saying that “Ra started it and he looks like a Trump supporter to me.”