LARGE-THUMBED DUTCH ABDUCTEE SPOTTED WITH BP EXEC

A Dutch boy who disappeared from Amsterdam shortly after winning the title of “Largest Thumbs in the Netherlands” has been seen on the gulf coast of Alabama. Glen Gremillion, owner of “Glen's Dive Shop” in Mobile reported that the boy came into his store yesterday, accompanied by a man later identified in surveillance video as Oliver Powell, a Senior Vice-President for Special Projects with British Petroleum. Gremillion said that the boy was outfitted with a scuba suit and “enough oxygen tanks to dive to the ocean floor.” “I thought it was kind of weird that the kid kept whispering to me in German every time his dad turned his back,” Gremillion said. He contacted authorities after seeing the boy's picture on a news report later that evening. A spokesman for BP would not comment on whether Powell's presence in the area was related to last month's explosion of a BP oil drilling rig or the resulting spill and added that “no reference to Hans Christian Andersen should be inferred.”

Hi, Little Fella!

I was on a road trip with my son, Elliot. A couple hours into the drive, he started getting fussy and I assumed he needed a clean diaper. We pulled off at a truck stop and I took him into the men's room. A minute later, big truck driver came in and went over to one of the urinals. He glanced up, and after noticing Elliot on the changing table he said "Hi, little fella!" So I said "Elliot, that man just said 'hi' to your little fella. Do you want to say 'hi' to his little fella? "

The next thing I remember is waking up in the ER.

Snowboarding of Olympians Continues Under Obama

Despite pledges to end torture, the Bush-era policy of snowboarding Olympians has continued under President Barack Obama's watch. Snowboarding, in which an Olympian is taken out in sub-freezing weather with their feet bound to a fiberglass board and sent hurtling down an icy slope has been widely reported in Vancouver, British Columbia. It is believed that Olympians were transported to this location specifically to allow for snowboarding with the full knowledge and consent of President Obama. Snowboarding is a public event here, and the screams of those that have been through the ordeal incite the mob that has gathered to watch. In most instances, Americans are leading the snowboarding but representatives of many countries have been seen participating. The AP has acquired photos and video from Vancouver of bindings, half-pipes, ramps and other instruments used in the snowboarding. Numerous cases of snowboarding Olympians were reported during George W. Bush's presidency including well-publicized incidents in Torino, Italy and in Salt Lake City, Utah but this is the first such occasion since Obama took office just over a year ago.

Doomsday Theorist: "Hallmark Calendar Predicts End Times"

Citing painstaking research of his Hallmark wall calendar, self-described doomsday theorist Aaron Fulcher predicts that the "End of Days" will commence at midnight on December 31st. "It's all right here in black and white," Fulcher said as he thumbed through the Hallmark "Country Scenes" calendar, "Along with nice pictures of barns and cows and stuff." Fulcher describes the makers of the calendar as "really, really smart," noting their ability to accurately predict events such as phases of the moon, equinoxes and Presidents' Day. But the calendar ends abruptly on December 31st, which Fulcher takes as a sign that this will be the last day of existence of as we know it. Fulcher is anticipating a cataclysmic event akin to the Rapture, a nuclear Holocaust, or "that time I accidentally mixed Theraflu and Percocets." "It's gonna totally suck," he predicts.

The calendar, or "Doomsday Book" as he now calls it, appeared unexpectedly last December in Fucher's cubicle at Petrone Telephone Sales Center, where Fulcher is employed at a customer service representative, accompanied by a note reading "Aaron, hope this helps you get organized, Happy Holidays, Secret Santa." "I don't know who this Secret Santa is or why they choose me, but I feel like it's my duty to warn the world." When asked if he considered himself a prophet, Fulcher replied, "No, I'm not in this for the money."

Hallmark had no comment except to say that it plans on releasing a 2011 version of the "Country Scenes" calendar later this year.

Brown edges out Kucinich for "America's Sexiest Man" -- Cosmoplitan Press Release Circa 1982

Cosmopolitan is pleased to announce that Scott Brown, a 22 year old law student from Boston, has been voted "America's Sexiest Man," edging out former Cleveland mayor Dennis Kucinich. Brown will be the featured centerfold in an upcoming issue of Cosmopolitan. Kucinich will receive a lifetime subscription to Cosmopolitan and a year's supply of Hai Karate. Third place went aspiring actor/comedian Howie Mandel. Rounding out the top five are Bucky Zimmer, a rodeo clown from Lubbock, Texas and Boston-area attorney Martha Coakley.

'Tis the

GPS Navigation Transcript from the Indianapolis 500

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