Criterion Releases GOP Presidential Debates Complete 1st Season Box Set

The Criterion Collection is honored to announce the release of the GOP Presidential Debates, Complete 1st Season box set. All 1797 minutes of laughter, tears and right-wing radicalism are here, lovingly remastered from Mona Charen's DVR. From the first episode featuring Johnson, Paul, Cain, Pawlenty and Santorum in Greenville, S.C. on May 5th, 2011 to the season finale on a December night in Sioux City, every question, every flub, every gaffe, every snarky cheap shot is included because the editor who was supposed to cut it down to feature-length gnawed off his own leg after the first 2 hours at the Avid.

Commentaries: Orly Taitz, Victoria Jackson, Micheal Steele. Available on Blu-Ray (14 disc set), DVD (14 disc set) or Betamax (every last inch of magnetic tape in the world). Language: English, CC: English, Sub-Titles: English. Not-Rated.

Slide, slide, slippity, slide

I really like the Electric Slide. It's so much more efficient than those old gravity-fed slides they had at the playground when we were kids.

Dear Santa,

For Christmas, I want a Blu-Ray Tooth player so I can watch movies in my ear.

Sincerely,

Jack

OCCUPY PADUCAH PROTESTERS UNWITTINGLY FIRST IN LINE FOR BLACK FRIDAY DEALS

Protesters who have spent nearly two months occupying a Paducah, KY strip mall have inadvertently placed themselves at the head of the line for spectacular holiday savings at nearby retailers. Organizer Russ Wozniak said of choosing the Pine Dale Shopping Mall for the protest, “We don't really have a financial district or corporate headquarters or anything in Paducah so we came here 'cause they got a Bank of America ATM.” Coincidentally, the Occupy Paducah tent city sits squarely in front of several major retailers offering deep discounts for holiday shoppers. Wozniak, a recent college graduate who has nearly $40,000 in student loans and has been unable to find work, is positioned to receive a second Kindle Touch 3G free from Best Buy, with the purchase of two or more at the regular price while supplies last.

Confusion swept the strip mall late last nights when there was a mix-up in signage between retailers and protesters. A roar went up from expectant shoppers when a sign in a K-Mart appeared to read “99% OFF SELECTED ITEMS,” before a protester moved away from the store's window. Protesters were seen with placards reading “Banks got Bailed Out, We got Sold Games! DVDs!” and “Wall Street can suck my final discount taken at the register.” Officials report that order was quickly restored without incident, although police in riot gear remain on standby.

Opinions in the shopping center were mixed. Shopper Brian Slawson said “I totally respect their right to free speech and to peaceably assemble but we also have to consider things like public safety and no rain checks.” Others, such as Missy Barton were less sympathetic. “If those patchouli-smoking ingrates get to Bed, Bath and Beyond before I do, I might personally hire that fat cop from UC Davis to pepperspray the lot of them.” Army Sgt. Kevin Steinert, who served two tours of duty in Afghanistan said “I'd love to hit up some of those deals if I had a fuckin' job.”

To Whom It May Concern

The program for today's track and field event contains a typographical error. Those competing in the Decathlon will not be throwing the violin. Meet management apologizes for any confusion this may have caused.

FLORIDA GOP MOVES UP PRIMARY TO YESTERDAY

In a move that analysts are calling unprecedented, brash and the dumbest thing we've ever heard of, the state of Florida has voted to move their primary up to yesterday. Florida had already moved their primary ahead to January 31^st, only to be outdone by South Carolina who moved their primary date ahead to January 21^st. Lenny Curry, Florida GOP Chairman, said “The only way we could figure out to keep South Carolina from jumping ahead of us again was to have already done had the damn thing.” The change was not well received by the Republican National Committee who will hold their convention in Tampa. The RNC announced that Florida would lose half of its seats at the convention and the hotel for the Florida delegation would be “a Red Roof Inn in suburban San Juan.”