HAVING FOUND HIGGS-BOSON PHYSICISTS NOW SEEK HUGE BOSOM

In the wake of finding the elusive Higgs-Boson particle after decades of tedious searching, jubilant scientists at CERN are now turning their attention to finding a Huge Bosom for some super colliding. Researchers close to the project say that they believe the Huge Bosoms can be naturally occurring or man-made, and while they would generally prefer to find the former, right now they're not going to be picky. Experiments with CERN's Large Hadron Collider provided the evidence for the Higgs-Boson particle and it's predicted that having the world's largest collider will also give them an advantage in the new quest. Huge Bosoms have been observed by the CERN team at bars and night clubs around Geneva but they have yet to be closely examined because, lets face it, these guys are nuclear physicists.  

OBAMA CELEBRATES SUPREME COURT DECISION BY GETTING STAFF SICK

Following today's landmark decision by the Supreme Court upholding the most controversial aspects of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, President Obama celebrated by infecting the White House Staff with step throat. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, speaking with a raspy voice announced that the president apparently touched an infected person and failed to wash his hands before taking congratulatory handshakes from staff members. The disease spread quickly and soon nearly every member of the president's staff was infected. Carney said “The President wanted to show America that everyone, including his staff, would be able to visit a doctor for say . . . a throat culture and a script for Amoxicillin whenever they need it. Now, for example.” Senior White House Advisor David Plouffe appeared to have a natural immunity to the strep bacteria and was not infected despite close contact with the President and other staffers who with fevers and swollen lymph nodes. However, Plouffe tripped down the stairs and sprained his ankle requiring an ER visit in a show of solidarity. “Are there any questions?” Carney said moments before launching into an extended coughing fit. None were asked and the press corp left the briefing room in record time while applying copious amounts of hand sanitizer. 

Why does my bank have a sign with a thermometer on it? Is there some relationship between air temperature and APR buried in the arcania of my mortgage that I overlooked?

Bulletbra Parking Only

Homonyms

Pollster -- Someone conducting an opinion survey.

Polester  -- A guy who can get into all the hippest clubs in Warsaw. 

I think that Carly Simon song probably isn't about me.

BILL KILLS IN COMMITTEE

An unassuming bill proved to have quite the sense of humor in a Senate committee meeting today, killing one senator and leaving several more in stitches. "Appropriations bills are typically pretty dry, all-business types," said Senator Rob Collett (D-CO). "But this one was a total crack-up." After being introduced by committee chairman Darrell Ruthenburg (D-VA) the bill opened with some prop comedy using the reliable arrow-through-the-head gag, producing chuckles and snorts from committee members. When the bill began doing impersonations of city parking ordinances, Congressman Dan Bailey (R-KY) said "This bill is killing me, I dying over here," moments before collapsing onto the floor. EMTs were unable to revive the fallen lawmaker and a rider to contain the bill was shot down when the bill responded "Rider? I don't even know her!"The bill later told reporters, "I've known so many bills that died in committee, I figured it was me or them."