RADIATION RISK FROM ATOMIC CLOCKS “MINIMAL” SAYS AEC

Hoping to calm public concerns, The Atomic Energy Commission has released a statement saying that the risk of exposure to radioactive materials from aging atomic clocks is “Minimal.” Spokesperson Ryan Shiverdecker said that the agency has fielded several calls from concerned citizens with the popular and highly accurate timepieces on their mantels, walls and desks. “The warranties on many of these clocks expire on April 1^st, so people were understandably worried that if that the small amount of plutonium-238 that powers them were to leak, it would pose a health risk,” Shiverdecker said. “Even if such a leak were to occur, the risk would be very small, akin to drying one's genitalia in a microwave oven in most instances.” The Commision recommends that if you wake up on April 1^st with a pool of green liquid around your clock or all of your pets are mysteriously dead and glowing, that you carefully place the clock in a large baggie, seal it with duct tape and check with your local department of waste removal. Or just hit the snooze button.  

NORTH KOREAN “MISSILE” JUST BOTTLE ROCKETS DUCT-TAPED TOGETHER

Satellite photos recently released by the CIA reveal that the “missile” at the center of threats from North Korea is nothing more than a bundle of bottle rockets wrapped in duct tape. Close examination of the photos suggest that the bottle rockets are Chinese-made. China has denied selling the bottle rockets directly to North Korea, and speculation has fallen on “that Korean guy whose been hitting all the fireworks stands in Tennessee” for the last several months. The duct tape appears to be the house brand from the Pyongyang Home Depot. Ballistics analysts Madelyn Guthrie concluded that the missile would be unlikely to reach an altitude great enough to pose a significant threat to the US, Europe, South Korea or “really anybody more than 50 yards from the thing.” Guthrie conceded that the missile still posed some risk, noting that it could “Emit a shower of sparks and should only be used under close adult supervision.” US Secretary of State issued a statement saying that “The world community sincerely hopes that North Korea will go through with it's threats to launch the (air quotes) missile because it could put somebody's eye out.”

GMO CORN COMES OUT IN FAVOR OF GAY MARRIAGE

A stalk of genetically modified corn has spoken out in favor of allowing homosexual marriage in the United States. Speaking from Monsanto headquarters in St. Louis, MO, the corn stalk said “I don't see any reason why gay people should be denied the opportunity to marry.” When asked if he considered homosexual marriage unnatural, the corn stalk said “Unnatural? I'm a talking corn stalk for fuck's sake! I came out of a test tube in a lab. Who am I to judge what's natural?” The corn stalk went on to describe himself as “Spiritual but not religious” and “A big believer in Roundup” but felt that “this isn't about personal beliefs. It's a civil rights issue.”

Alice Ruthenburg, a spokesperson for Act Up who was protesting outside the Supreme Court building said “I've always been opposed to genetically modified foods but on this issue, we're in total agreement.”  

MEMO FROM THE VATICAN

All Cardinals are invited to attend the retirement dinner for Pope Benedict XVI where the Almighty God will thank him for his years of service and present him with a gift of a gold watch. Dinner will start promptly at 8:00 pm and will be held at the Carabba's Italian Grill at 327 Via Pio X. Directions are posted on the bulletin board. Cash bar.  

REST IN PEACE $3/HOUR -- $10/ALL DAY

I heard about the parking lot in England where Richard III was buried. Then I went to Disneyland and when they told me that I parked in Goofy 7 I got really emotional because I don't even know that Goofy had been sick.

Positive to positive, negative to ground

Meanwhile, in a Washington, D.C. suburb . . . .