It's Drafty in here

Venezuela is offering a first round draft pick and a spy to be named later to Edward Snowden. Venezuelan Minster of Recruitment Juan Hernandez said Snowden would be expected to make an immediate impact. "His knowledge of security systems makes him very valuable to us. That, and his rebounding."

TODAY'S TOP STORIES:

HIGH COURT STRIKES DOWN DOMA, PROP 8
FRED PHELPS WEDS MIKE HUCKABEE

SHIPPING CONTAINER PANTS FROM OLD COAST GUARD

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WARE INSPIRES U OF L TEAMMATES BY BREAKING OTHER LEG

Hoping to again buoy his teammates who rallied around him after he suffered a devastating injury in the regional final game, Louisville guard Kevin Ware broke his other leg during the national championship game. The sophomore stood by the Cardinal bench, pushed himself off his crutches and landed on his left leg in the same awkward manner that resulted in a compound fracture to his right leg last week. “Guys! Look! It's my tibia!” he shouted to teammates. “Now go out and win the game!” The Cardinals reacted strongly. Peyton Siva expressed his admiration, Luke Hancock expressed his shock and Gorgui Dieng expressed his dinner. “That's one tough kid,” said Louisville coach Rick Pitino. “Not entirely right in the head, but tough.”  

Belfast Traffic Report

The IRA will be honoring the memory of Margaret Thatcher today with a 21 car-bomb salute. Expect delays.

RADIATION RISK FROM ATOMIC CLOCKS “MINIMAL” SAYS AEC

Hoping to calm public concerns, The Atomic Energy Commission has released a statement saying that the risk of exposure to radioactive materials from aging atomic clocks is “Minimal.” Spokesperson Ryan Shiverdecker said that the agency has fielded several calls from concerned citizens with the popular and highly accurate timepieces on their mantels, walls and desks. “The warranties on many of these clocks expire on April 1^st, so people were understandably worried that if that the small amount of plutonium-238 that powers them were to leak, it would pose a health risk,” Shiverdecker said. “Even if such a leak were to occur, the risk would be very small, akin to drying one's genitalia in a microwave oven in most instances.” The Commision recommends that if you wake up on April 1^st with a pool of green liquid around your clock or all of your pets are mysteriously dead and glowing, that you carefully place the clock in a large baggie, seal it with duct tape and check with your local department of waste removal. Or just hit the snooze button.