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116 YEAR OLD AMELIA EARHART FLIES MALAYSIA FLIGHT 370 TO SAFETY

Malaysia Air Flight 370, missing for over seven weeks, was piloted to safe landing in Beijing the famed lost aviator Amelia Earhart early this morning. Mechanical problems forced the Boeing 787 off-course and it made an emergency landing on a tiny island in the Indian Ocean when pilot Zaharie Ahmad Shah spotted a remarkably spry 116 year-old woman frantically waving her arms. Earhart scavenged parts from her custom Lockhead Electra 10C to repair the Boeing, while her navigator Fred Noonan entertained the passengers and crew with coconut milk cocktails and grilled mahi-mahi. They then took off with Earhart at the controls telling Shah and his crew “I got this. Y'all can just chill.” Upon landing in Beijing, Shah announced that the flight was 1224 behind schedule and that Malaysian Air personal would be at the gate to assist any travelers whose final destination was not Beijing. Earhart and Noonan then continued on, destined for Oakland, California, intending to finally complete their planned circumnavigation of the globe. 

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OREGON DECLARES STATE OF EMERGENCY AS WASHINGTON SHOWS UP WITH MUNCHIES AT 4 AM

Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber declared a State of Emergency early this morning as the entire population of Washington state descended on its southern neighbor with little warning following the Seattle Seahawks victory in the Superbowl Sunday night. The first signs of trouble came at 3:48 am when Kitzhaber's office received a text from Washington Governor Jay Inslee's cell number saying “Duuuude, we're coming ovr.” Widespread reports of crowds massing at 7-Elevens near the Washington/Oregon border began coming in shortly after. What initially appeared to be a makeshift refugee camp in suburban Portland was later found to be the line for a table at a Waffle House.

The Oregon National Guard is said to be working on air-lifting extra extra extra extra large thin crusts with half pepperoni and black olives, and half veggie supreme to the worst hit areas. The Red Cross is also aiding in the relief effort, sending blankets, water and several tractor trailers full of Cheez-Its.

Already, there is some criticism of the speed of the reaction to the crisis by Oregon emergency agencies. Eugene resident Tammy Lacefield said “We really should have been able to see this coming by the end of the third quarter at least,” and further noted that while Washington is a good friend and they go way back, they pull this shit all the time.