I just read a headline that said Prince was "quietly cremated." If at some point in the future, any of y'all set about cremating me and I get loud about it, please stop.

GOP DEBATE CANCELLED DUE TO BILE SHORTAGE

A lack of available bile has forced the cancellation of the next Republican presidential debate. Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee said that the party has gone through bile at an unprecedented rate. “We knew this was going to be a bile-intensive campaign so we bought twice as much as we usually do when rates were low back in November, thinking that would be enough to carry us through the general election. But here it is, we're not even out of the primaries and we're already dangerously low on the foul, viscous liquid.”

Paul Shivdriver of the American Bile Association said that bile producers are working at a breakneck pace to keep up with demand. “Bile production is at an all-time high, thanks to the current political climate and the GOP debates in particular. Every bile company in America has added extra shifts and we still can't keep up with the demand.” Earlier in the year, rumors swirled that the Trump campaign was using bile produced in China, but Shivdriver insisted that the campaigns are all supplied exclusively with American made bile. Suppliers of phlegm and vitriol are also reporting record sales.

Not only is the volume of bile greater than in previous years, but the candidates have insisted on using a more toxic version than ever before. Workers in Hazmat suits sealed off the Fox Theatre in Detroit following the March 3^rd debate that left a knee-deep puddle of bile. Michigan Governor Rick Snyder said that his state's EPA was working to decontaminate the venue and there were no plans to bottle and ship the bile to Flint. Not yet, anyway. Observers at other debate sites have noted that the bile is so corrosive that it has eaten through metal chairs, concrete floors and the very fabric of civic discourse.

When asked if President Obama would consider releasing some of the nation's Strategic Bile Reserves to address the shortage, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest replied “Eww.”

New, from Amalgamated Sex Toys, Inc.

Open Letter to Politifact

Dear Facts:

I greatly appreciate the work you do in fact checking the presidential debates. However, when it comes to Donald Trump's claims about his anatomy, I'd really rather not know.

Thanks-
Everyone

Out of

HOUSE LOSING ITS BOEHNER

After October, the House of Representatives will no longer have a Boehner for the first time since 1990. The Boehner represented a parts of Southeastern Ohio near Dayton and Cincinnati. The Boehner was raised to it's highest position in 2006. Observers have often criticized the Boehner as ineffective noting its inability to reach across the aisle. Other members from the Boehner's own party have also been critical of the Boehner for not leaning as far to the right as they do.  

DIET CHEATERS FEAR EXPOSURE IN DOLLY MADISON WEBSITE HACK

An untold number of dieters are at risk of having their secret snack cake desires publicly exposed in the wake of the hacking of the Dolly Madison website. It's not yet known how many Dolly Madison user profiles were compromised, but experts believe that potentially millions of supposedly committed dieters have been to the site. “I just went there to look at the Cherry Pies,” said one frequent visitor identified only as Charlie B. “Good grief, I never actually cheated on my diet.” Another Dolly Madison regular, Linus V.P. said “I'd been committed to my diet for years but over time, the snack cakes became very infrequent. I had a craving and I could fulfill it at Dolly Madison.” “I just wanted a Zinger and my regular diet wasn't giving it to me,” said Peppermint P.

Agencies from around the globe are investigating the crime. “Law enforcement takes snack cakes and pastries of any kind very seriously and we're um . . . collecting evidence as we speak, “ said FBI spokesman Erin Spoelker. When reporters noted a powdery, white substance on Spoekler's fingers and necktie, he denied that it was powdered sugar, insisting that it was “probably just cocaine.”