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DUMPSTER FIRE CAUSED BY ARSON

DUMPSTER FIRE DISTANCES SELF FROM TRUMP

In yet another blow to Donald Trump's campaign for the presidency, Dumpster Fire has rescinded it's endorsement of the GOP nominee following the release of a decade old tape of Trump making lewd comments about women. “I realize that I'm a smoldering pile of waste, spewing toxins into the air and in that regard I felt like Mr. Trump and I had an understanding,” the fire said in a press conference. “But even I have some standard for decency.” When asked about what prompted his change of heart, Dumpster Fire became visibly emotional saying, “When I think about my sister Recycling Bin Fire and my daughter, little Waste Basket Fire, I want them to live in a world where they can burn refuse to their fullest potential regardless of their gender, race, religion or their sexual orientation.” This announcement comes on the heels of Train Wreck also pulling his endorsement and Cesspool throwing her support Hillary Clinton, while Ted Cruz continues to back the Republican nominee. The Trump campaign did not respond to requests for comments for this story.  

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BOY WINS LIVE MICHEAL PHELPS IN RING TOSS AT OLYMPIC MIDWAY

Overcoming incredible odds, 11 year-old Andy Lacefield, Jr successfully tossed all five rings onto two-liter bottles to win a live Micheal Phelps yesterday in Rio de Janeiro. The audience on the Olympic Midway watched in silent awe as Lacefield deftly tossed the rings one by one, before bursting into applause and chants of “USA! USA!” as the final ring rattled and settled onto a Diet Orange Fanta bottle. “I've never had an Olympic swimmer before,” said the Bloomfield, Kentucky native. “Just some guppies. I wonder if he'll eat them.” The most decorated athlete in Olympic history darted from side to side while the young Lacefield poked at the plastic bag containing Phelps, until his mother, Jenny Lacefield told him to stop it. Mrs. Lacefield was absent from her son's successful ring toss, and when asked if watching her son compete made her anxious, she replied “Nah, I was in line for a funnel cake.”