Adidas introduces Louisville's New Shoe

TRUMP PRAISES NAMBLA HEALTHCARE SYSTEM IN UN SPEECH

President Trump, speaking to a group of African leaders before a luncheon at the United Nations today, praised the healthcare system of NAMBLA. Reading from a prepared statement, Trump said “In Guinea and Nigeria, you fought a horrifying Ebola outbreak. NAMBLA's health system is increasing self-sufficient.” UN observers were befuddled by the comment, since the North American Man/Boy Love Association has never sent a delegation to the intergovernmental organization. Representatives of NAMBLA could not be reached for comment. And if we could reach them, we would wear gloves, because eww.   

RA, HELIOS FIGHT OVER BURNT OFFERING IN CITY PARK

At the height of yesterday's total solar eclipse, two sun gods descended from their realms to retrieve a burnt offering that was left in Jim Roberts Community Park in Franklin, Kentucky. The Greek god Helios arrived first, shocking the crowd of residents and visitors watching the celestial event. He sniffed the air and quickly made for the offering which was left just outside the home team dugout at the softball field. Local resident Vince Mulder said “Helios done caught wind of that thing and set on it like a hound dog on a wounded rabbit.” Mulder was unaware of who had left the offering or what type of animal it was. “It was charred up pretty good so I can't rightly say. Might have been a goat or a small deer or maybe one of them fat-ass racoons that got tangled up with a bar-b-cue grill. Good riddance if it was cause those bastards is forever knocking over the trash cans.

As the Greek god was dragging the offering away toward a picnic table, Egyptian sun god Ra appeared by the second tee of the disc golf course and rushed in to seize the offering by a leg. A tug-of-war ensued, and Helios shouted “Το είδα πρώτα (I saw it first)” before punching Ra in the beak. An unidentified elderly man was heard yelling “down in front!” at the scuffling deities. Local law enforcement stepped in separate the two as the melee spilled into a funnel cake stand. While Ra and Helios were giving statements to the police, Hindu sun god Ravi, quietly made off with the charred carcass. According to a police spokesman, no arrests were made.

Beth Sirles who traveled from Middletown, Ohio to witness the eclipse, described the events as “awesome and life changing” but was “disappointed to see the afternoon marred by violence”. “I wish we could all just get along,” she said, “without letting things like race or politics or which celestial realm you hail from get in the way, you know?” Local resident Clint Peavy described the events as “Obama's fault” but his wife Jeanie Peavy disagreed saying that “Ra started it and he looks like a Trump supporter to me.” 

War Headed

No hablo

I didn't read the whole transcript. Did anyone notice if Trump invited President Pena Nieto to Trump Tower Grill for a Taco Bowl? I hear that they're the best. Offer him some "Dos por Uno" coupons on those suckers and Pena Nieto would totally cave on paying for the wall. Trust me. Bigly.

Off the Top Rope

CLIFFS NOTES OF TRUMP JR'S EMAIL

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Sent from KGBphone

From: Russia

To: Donald Trump, Jr

Subject: Meddling in Election

Sent: June 8, 2017, 12:03pm

Hey, Donald Jr.! Want to collude with us?

-Russia

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Sent from Iphone

From: Donald Trump, Jr

To: Russia

Re: Meddling in Election

Sent: June 8, 2017, 12:04pm

Sure. Love to.

Let's meet at my place. What time is good 4 u?

-DT Jr.