NASCAR CONSIDERS BAN ON TEXTING WHILE DRIVING IN THE DAYTONA 500

In the wake of a fiery crash between Juan Pablo Montoya and a jet dryer truck, NASCAR is looking at banning all texting while driving in the Daytona 500, according to NASCAR spokesperson Dan Lacefield. Speaking by telephone, Lacefield refused to say if texting while driving in the Daytona 500 was a factor in the accident in which Montoya inexplicably skidded into the truck which quickly ignited. However, enhanced video of the incident appears to show Montoya steering with his elbows while tapping rapidly with both thumbs on an iPhone sized object just before making contact.

Lacefield said that with the prevalence of smart phones and social media, distracted driving in the Daytona 500 was an increasing concern. “It used to be, we just had to worry about drivers eating hamburgers or changing a CD or putting on mascara while driving in the Daytona 500. But nowadays, a driver could be sending e-mail or checking a bid on Ebay at 180 miles per hour.”

NACSAR officials are also looking into a lap 2 crash that started when Elliott Sadler bumped Jimmie Johnson setting off a chain reaction that ultimately collected six cars, including Danica Patrick and defending Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne. Moments before the incident, a post appeared on Sadler's twitter feed reading “Totally drafting Jimmie Johnson #Daytona#.”

Similarly, Montoya's Facebook page showed that he had just “Checked In at Turn 3”shortly before losing control. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a source close to Montoya's pit crew said that they privately hoped that the accident was caused by texting while driving in the Daytona 500 because otherwise they're all working for a guy who can't drive for shit.

Lacefield said that NASCAR had considered an all out ban on cell phones in cars but drivers objected since many of them rely on the navigation apps to find their way around the race tracks. “There's nothing, nothing we take more seriously than driver safety,” he said, “except maybe all those sponsors' decals.” Lacefield than added “Merge, jackass, merge! Sorry, I'm in the car.”

Avocation

Considering my other interests, I expected to really like salsa dancing but it turns out that it's almost nothing like jell-o wrestling.

Criterion Releases GOP Presidential Debates Complete 1st Season Box Set

The Criterion Collection is honored to announce the release of the GOP Presidential Debates, Complete 1st Season box set. All 1797 minutes of laughter, tears and right-wing radicalism are here, lovingly remastered from Mona Charen's DVR. From the first episode featuring Johnson, Paul, Cain, Pawlenty and Santorum in Greenville, S.C. on May 5th, 2011 to the season finale on a December night in Sioux City, every question, every flub, every gaffe, every snarky cheap shot is included because the editor who was supposed to cut it down to feature-length gnawed off his own leg after the first 2 hours at the Avid.

Commentaries: Orly Taitz, Victoria Jackson, Micheal Steele. Available on Blu-Ray (14 disc set), DVD (14 disc set) or Betamax (every last inch of magnetic tape in the world). Language: English, CC: English, Sub-Titles: English. Not-Rated.

Slide, slide, slippity, slide

I really like the Electric Slide. It's so much more efficient than those old gravity-fed slides they had at the playground when we were kids.

Dear Santa,

For Christmas, I want a Blu-Ray Tooth player so I can watch movies in my ear.

Sincerely,

Jack

OCCUPY PADUCAH PROTESTERS UNWITTINGLY FIRST IN LINE FOR BLACK FRIDAY DEALS

Protesters who have spent nearly two months occupying a Paducah, KY strip mall have inadvertently placed themselves at the head of the line for spectacular holiday savings at nearby retailers. Organizer Russ Wozniak said of choosing the Pine Dale Shopping Mall for the protest, “We don't really have a financial district or corporate headquarters or anything in Paducah so we came here 'cause they got a Bank of America ATM.” Coincidentally, the Occupy Paducah tent city sits squarely in front of several major retailers offering deep discounts for holiday shoppers. Wozniak, a recent college graduate who has nearly $40,000 in student loans and has been unable to find work, is positioned to receive a second Kindle Touch 3G free from Best Buy, with the purchase of two or more at the regular price while supplies last.

Confusion swept the strip mall late last nights when there was a mix-up in signage between retailers and protesters. A roar went up from expectant shoppers when a sign in a K-Mart appeared to read “99% OFF SELECTED ITEMS,” before a protester moved away from the store's window. Protesters were seen with placards reading “Banks got Bailed Out, We got Sold Games! DVDs!” and “Wall Street can suck my final discount taken at the register.” Officials report that order was quickly restored without incident, although police in riot gear remain on standby.

Opinions in the shopping center were mixed. Shopper Brian Slawson said “I totally respect their right to free speech and to peaceably assemble but we also have to consider things like public safety and no rain checks.” Others, such as Missy Barton were less sympathetic. “If those patchouli-smoking ingrates get to Bed, Bath and Beyond before I do, I might personally hire that fat cop from UC Davis to pepperspray the lot of them.” Army Sgt. Kevin Steinert, who served two tours of duty in Afghanistan said “I'd love to hit up some of those deals if I had a fuckin' job.”