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New Year's Eve just won't be the same this year without Dick Clark. Unless they prop him up and crudely over-dub his voice. Then it will be exactly the same.

Coming soon, to a Mayan near you . . .

KARL ROVE PREDICTS CLEVELAND BROWNS SUPERBOWL WIN

Coming off a failed prediction of a Mitt Romney presidential victory, Republican strategist Karl Rove has turned his prognosticatorial acumen toward the NFL, forecasting a Superbowl win for the Cleveland Browns. The Browns, who last played in a national championship game in 1965, fell to 2-8 on the season after yesterday's lose to Dallas. Rove predicted that the Browns would face the Ottawa Senators in the championships game and they would win “by at least 4 runs.” Nate Silver, of the blog fivethirtyeight.com, noted that only six games remain in the season making even a playoff berth for the Browns a near mathmatical impossibility. Silver did concede, however, that the Browns' chances of reaching the Superbowl were nearly identical to those of the Senators. Silver went on to describe Rove as “statistically insignificant.”   

Easy mistake to make

If you went to cast your vote today and a woman working there asked you to place a tip in her garter, you were not at the polling place but rather the pole dancing place.

BEFUDDLEMENT AS NFL TEAMS WEAR ALL PINK UNIFORMS

It was a confusing day of football as every team in the NFL chose to wear entirely pink uniforms in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Previously, the hot pink shade commonly associated with the cause had been reserved for equipment such as gloves, socks and towels. But today, players throughout the league were decked out from helmet to cleats in the familiar hue. Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was reportedly “embarrassed” to arrive at Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati and realize that he and Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict were wearing the same color. Referees in pink-on-pink pinstripes found unstacking the pile after a fumble especially confounding. Despite the confusion, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell described the uniforms as a “roaring success” noting that “damn near everyone is aware of breast cancer by now.”