'Tis the

GPS Navigation Transcript from the Indianapolis 500

TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . . TURN - LEFT . . .

PROFESSOR SEEKS TO RAISE AWARENESS, SECURE GRANTS, ON GLOBAL SHRINKING

Professor Howard Nicklas announced today his plan to create the Nicklas Institute on Global Shrinking. Nicklas described the proposed institute as a think tank and research facility to study the effects of global shrinking and raise awareness of the issue worldwide. “Lots of people are talking about global warming,” Nicklas said at a sparsely attended press conference, “like Al Gore and that kid at the coffee shop always shouting about the o-zone and ocean temperatures and stuff.” But global shrinking remains “largely ignored and poorly understood,” according to Nicklas. “We need to take a hard look at global shrinking and consider what a smaller planet could mean to the future of life on Earth as we know it.” Nicklas feels strongly that human activity is a leading cause of global shrinking. “Take mining for example. You take stuff like coal out of the ground and don’t put it back, you’re making the planet smaller. QED.”

Nicklas is seeking over $2 million in grant money from the National Science Foundation, The Doris Duke Charitable Foundation, The Sierra Club, WGBH in Boston, the Cato Institute, the NAACP, the Society for Creative Anachronism and Die Freunden der Bayerischen StaatsOper. He is also accepting individual donations in checks made out to Howard Nicklas “spelled N as in Nancy, I-C-K-L-A-S. Or cash. Cash is always good too.”

Funds would be used to make needed improvements to the Nicklas Institute campus, to be housed in a spare room over the professor’s garage. The proposed site would reportedly spruce up nicely with a fresh coat of paint and satellite TV. “A state of the art facility will really help us attract the top researchers in the field of global shrinking,” Nicklas said. Money would also be used for specialized equipment such as “A really big tape measure.” Asked how many researchers the institute expected to employ, Nicklas said, “Uh, so far just one. With enough funding, we might bring on a grad student or lab assistant or something. Especially if she’s hot.”

When told of the plans for the Nicklas Institute, Stephen Meeker, professor of Climatology and author numerous books on climate change and global warming, agreed that “Howard Nicklas needs to be institutionalized but,” he added, “not in that way.”

SEX TOYS I SHAN’T BE ORDERING IN THE FORESEABLE FUTURE

German Tickler
Vibrating cock ring with defibrillator
Fur-lined Chinese finger cuffs
Ipecac syrup flavored condoms
Hollow-point armor piercing “Silver Bullet”
“Sexy ‘n Sandy” personal lubricant and exfoliant
Naughty Middle School Cafeteria Server inflatable doll
The Armadillo
2 part epoxy butt plug
14 inch “Mr. Floppy” dildo
Bare-copper-wire personal stimulator

“LOOKER” ON PRESIDENTIAL VIEWING LIST

In a week filled with high-profile speeches, President Obama and his staff apparently took time to relax with an 80’s movie night, screening the science-fiction thriller “Looker.” Albert Finney stars as a plastic surgeon who uncovers a plot to covertly add hypnotic sparkles in the eyes of televised spokes-models, thus making their pitches irresistible to audiences. Time for the 1981 Michael Crichton-directed picture also starring Susan Dey and James Coburn was squeezed into a week already packed with a speech to American school children and an address to Congress on health care reform.
Speaking with a gleam in his eye before a nodding and compliant press corps, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs would neither confirm nor deny the presidential viewing habits. “President Obama and his staff enjoy a wide range of movies,” Gibbs said utterly convincingly. With complete sincerity, Gibbs added, “Movies nights are strictly for entertainment purposes and nothing, I repeat nothing should be inferred from them.”
A Freedom of Information Act filed with Netflix revealed that other titles recently in the Oval Office queue include “The Parallax View,” “The Manchurian Candidate” (original and remake), “The Matrix” and “Road Trip: Beer Pong.”

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL NAZI CLUB “DISAPPOINTED” BY OBAMA RECRUITMENT EFFORT

A representative of M.L. King High School’s Nazi Club reported that President Barack Obama’s much anticipated speech to school children had done little to increase interest in the organization. A general meeting of the club was held yesterday afternoon in anticipation of receiving a wealth of new members having been indoctrinated in Nazi philosophy by President Obama via a television address earlier in the day.

“ I was really hoping that we could double, even triple our membership,” said Club President Kevin McNally, standing alone in room 213 under a hand-written banner reading “WELCOM (sic) NEW MEMBERS.” McNally’s estimated membership uptick was based primarily on repeated reports heard on right-wing radio and placards displayed at town hall meetings. Having listened to the Obama speech in 4th period Civics, McNally described himelf as, “Really bummed and let down,” that the leader of the free world “didn’t push the Nazi agenda more.” “I mean,” McNally continued, “It was just junk about staying in school and getting good grades.” McNally acknowledged that “some of the stuff about, like, helping each other to make the country better,” could possibly be construed as nationalism or socialism, “but only if you really stretch it.” “I’m not sure this guy even is a Nazi,” McNally went on, noting that eight months into the Obama administration’s first term, there remain few examples of him oppressing Jews, intellectuals, homosexuals or Negroes.

After checking the hall once more for possible new recruits, McNally called the meeting to order. Acting also as secretary, treasurer and membership, McNally read the minutes of the previous meeting and the treasurer’s report, moved to approve them, seconded the motion and, by voice vote, approved them. Lacking any old or new business, the meeting was adjourned and the membership retired to refreshments of sugar cookies with crudely frosted Swastikas and Hi-C.

Next door, in room 215, the local chapter of the Student Fascists were reported to be similarly disappointed.