Satellite photos recently
released by the CIA reveal that the “missile” at the center of
threats from North Korea is nothing more than a bundle of bottle
rockets wrapped in duct tape. Close examination of the photos suggest
that the bottle rockets are Chinese-made. China has denied selling
the bottle rockets directly to North Korea, and speculation has
fallen on “that Korean guy whose been hitting all the fireworks
stands in Tennessee” for the last several months. The duct tape
appears to be the house brand from the Pyongyang Home Depot.
Ballistics analysts Madelyn Guthrie concluded that the missile would
be unlikely to reach an altitude great enough to pose a significant
threat to the US, Europe, South Korea or “really anybody more than
50 yards from the thing.” Guthrie conceded that the missile still
posed some risk, noting that it could “Emit a shower of sparks and
should only be used under close adult supervision.” US Secretary of
State issued a statement saying that “The world community sincerely
hopes that North Korea will go through with it's threats to launch
the (air quotes) missile because it could put somebody's eye out.”
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
GMO CORN COMES OUT IN FAVOR OF GAY MARRIAGE
A stalk of genetically
modified corn has spoken out in favor of allowing homosexual marriage
in the United States. Speaking from Monsanto headquarters in St.
Louis, MO, the corn stalk said “I don't see any reason why gay
people should be denied the opportunity to marry.” When asked if he
considered homosexual marriage unnatural, the corn stalk said
“Unnatural? I'm a talking corn stalk for fuck's sake! I came out of
a test tube in a lab. Who am I to judge what's natural?” The corn
stalk went on to describe himself as “Spiritual but not religious”
and “A big believer in Roundup” but felt that “this isn't about
personal beliefs. It's a civil rights issue.”
Alice Ruthenburg, a
spokesperson for Act Up who was protesting outside the Supreme Court
building said “I've always been opposed to genetically modified
foods but on this issue, we're in total agreement.”
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