BULGER LAWYER USES “STAB YOU IN THE FACE” DEFENSE IN CLOSING

In closing arguments, lawyers for accused mob boss James “Whitey” Bulger have employed a rarely used tactic known in legal circles as the 'stab you in the face,' defense. Denfense attorney Hank Brennen addressed the jury saying “Ladies and gentlemen, my client is wholly innocent of these charges and anybody who disagrees with that could get stabbed in the face.” “W're just sayin',” chimed in attorney J.W. Carney Jr., also representing Mr. Bulger. “So,” continued Brennen “Any juror who doesn't want to get stabbed in the face should vote to aquite. The defense rests.” The jury adjourned to deliberations and are expected to return a verdict, very very quickly.   

A-ROD STRIPPED OF TOUR-DE-FRANCE TITLE, MONSANTO DEAL IN DOUBT

After being suspended by Major League Baseball for using steriods, Alex Rodriguez has also been stripped of his seven victories in the Tour de France. Team sponsor Monsanto has yet to comment on the star's future as a spokesman for the company, despite having recently agreed to a mulit-million dollar contract extension. At the time, the multi-national agricultural giant decribed Rodriguez as a “role model” and praised his “athleticim and dedication as well as his resistance to fungus, drought, and aphids.” No decisions have been made on whether or not Rodriguez with be allowed to retain his track and field records in the 100 meters, 200 meters, shot put and pole vault, or his WWE championship belt.