I think Leann Rimes and Busta Rhyme should do an album together. They could call it "Rimes with Rhyme." I'd buy it.

Should we pronounce "ww" as "quadruple u?"

LESS MERITORIOUS IDEAS TO EMERGE FROM CONGRESSIONAL BRAINSTORMING ON AVERTING NATIONAL FINANCIAL RUIN

What if every man, woman and child in the nation donates a pint of plasma?

There's a lot of copper in that Statue of Liberty. Just sayin'.

Do we still have the receipt from the Louisiana Purchase?

The NSA should add every possible combination of 10 digit numbers to their “Friends and Family.”
Belmont. Third race. 4-7-9 Trifecta box.

There's this Nigerian prince who's been e-mailing me. We just need to send him them routing number.

Maybe we could just keep not giving a shit, like we have been.

What if nickels were really quarters?

You know, if everybody in the country were to pitch in a little money, more if they can afford it, and then we divi – Nah. Nevermind.  

I really like having an herb garden where I can take my thyme and pick my anise.

BULGER LAWYER USES “STAB YOU IN THE FACE” DEFENSE IN CLOSING

In closing arguments, lawyers for accused mob boss James “Whitey” Bulger have employed a rarely used tactic known in legal circles as the 'stab you in the face,' defense. Denfense attorney Hank Brennen addressed the jury saying “Ladies and gentlemen, my client is wholly innocent of these charges and anybody who disagrees with that could get stabbed in the face.” “W're just sayin',” chimed in attorney J.W. Carney Jr., also representing Mr. Bulger. “So,” continued Brennen “Any juror who doesn't want to get stabbed in the face should vote to aquite. The defense rests.” The jury adjourned to deliberations and are expected to return a verdict, very very quickly.   

A-ROD STRIPPED OF TOUR-DE-FRANCE TITLE, MONSANTO DEAL IN DOUBT

After being suspended by Major League Baseball for using steriods, Alex Rodriguez has also been stripped of his seven victories in the Tour de France. Team sponsor Monsanto has yet to comment on the star's future as a spokesman for the company, despite having recently agreed to a mulit-million dollar contract extension. At the time, the multi-national agricultural giant decribed Rodriguez as a “role model” and praised his “athleticim and dedication as well as his resistance to fungus, drought, and aphids.” No decisions have been made on whether or not Rodriguez with be allowed to retain his track and field records in the 100 meters, 200 meters, shot put and pole vault, or his WWE championship belt.  

Does the royal family need a jogging stroller because we're not using ours. Might have some stains but it works fine. They can pick it up anytime.

It's Drafty in here

Venezuela is offering a first round draft pick and a spy to be named later to Edward Snowden. Venezuelan Minster of Recruitment Juan Hernandez said Snowden would be expected to make an immediate impact. "His knowledge of security systems makes him very valuable to us. That, and his rebounding."

TODAY'S TOP STORIES:

HIGH COURT STRIKES DOWN DOMA, PROP 8
FRED PHELPS WEDS MIKE HUCKABEE

SHIPPING CONTAINER PANTS FROM OLD COAST GUARD

Running out of space in your cargo pants? Try Shipping Container Pants ™, exclusively from Old Coast Guard. The combination of style and functionality welded into Old Coast Guard's Shipping Container Pants ™ go as easily from work to nightlife as they do from loading dock to freight train. Old Coast Guard's Shipping Container Pants ™ are constructed of rugged cotton twill and feature two front slash pockets, two rear flap pockets, one watch pocket and two 20 foot high cube containers with a payload capacity of 54,000 lbs. Now you can easily carry your wallet, keys, cell phone, tablet, main frame, 1500 board feet of 4X4s and a family of refugees in Old Coast Guard's Shipping Container Pants ™. Available in khaki, taupe, faded olive, desert camouflage, urban camouflage, suburban camouflage and hot magenta. Please specify hems or cuffs, dry storage or reefer.  

WARE INSPIRES U OF L TEAMMATES BY BREAKING OTHER LEG

Hoping to again buoy his teammates who rallied around him after he suffered a devastating injury in the regional final game, Louisville guard Kevin Ware broke his other leg during the national championship game. The sophomore stood by the Cardinal bench, pushed himself off his crutches and landed on his left leg in the same awkward manner that resulted in a compound fracture to his right leg last week. “Guys! Look! It's my tibia!” he shouted to teammates. “Now go out and win the game!” The Cardinals reacted strongly. Peyton Siva expressed his admiration, Luke Hancock expressed his shock and Gorgui Dieng expressed his dinner. “That's one tough kid,” said Louisville coach Rick Pitino. “Not entirely right in the head, but tough.”  

Belfast Traffic Report

The IRA will be honoring the memory of Margaret Thatcher today with a 21 car-bomb salute. Expect delays.

RADIATION RISK FROM ATOMIC CLOCKS “MINIMAL” SAYS AEC

Hoping to calm public concerns, The Atomic Energy Commission has released a statement saying that the risk of exposure to radioactive materials from aging atomic clocks is “Minimal.” Spokesperson Ryan Shiverdecker said that the agency has fielded several calls from concerned citizens with the popular and highly accurate timepieces on their mantels, walls and desks. “The warranties on many of these clocks expire on April 1^st, so people were understandably worried that if that the small amount of plutonium-238 that powers them were to leak, it would pose a health risk,” Shiverdecker said. “Even if such a leak were to occur, the risk would be very small, akin to drying one's genitalia in a microwave oven in most instances.” The Commision recommends that if you wake up on April 1^st with a pool of green liquid around your clock or all of your pets are mysteriously dead and glowing, that you carefully place the clock in a large baggie, seal it with duct tape and check with your local department of waste removal. Or just hit the snooze button.  

NORTH KOREAN “MISSILE” JUST BOTTLE ROCKETS DUCT-TAPED TOGETHER

Satellite photos recently released by the CIA reveal that the “missile” at the center of threats from North Korea is nothing more than a bundle of bottle rockets wrapped in duct tape. Close examination of the photos suggest that the bottle rockets are Chinese-made. China has denied selling the bottle rockets directly to North Korea, and speculation has fallen on “that Korean guy whose been hitting all the fireworks stands in Tennessee” for the last several months. The duct tape appears to be the house brand from the Pyongyang Home Depot. Ballistics analysts Madelyn Guthrie concluded that the missile would be unlikely to reach an altitude great enough to pose a significant threat to the US, Europe, South Korea or “really anybody more than 50 yards from the thing.” Guthrie conceded that the missile still posed some risk, noting that it could “Emit a shower of sparks and should only be used under close adult supervision.” US Secretary of State issued a statement saying that “The world community sincerely hopes that North Korea will go through with it's threats to launch the (air quotes) missile because it could put somebody's eye out.”

GMO CORN COMES OUT IN FAVOR OF GAY MARRIAGE

A stalk of genetically modified corn has spoken out in favor of allowing homosexual marriage in the United States. Speaking from Monsanto headquarters in St. Louis, MO, the corn stalk said “I don't see any reason why gay people should be denied the opportunity to marry.” When asked if he considered homosexual marriage unnatural, the corn stalk said “Unnatural? I'm a talking corn stalk for fuck's sake! I came out of a test tube in a lab. Who am I to judge what's natural?” The corn stalk went on to describe himself as “Spiritual but not religious” and “A big believer in Roundup” but felt that “this isn't about personal beliefs. It's a civil rights issue.”

Alice Ruthenburg, a spokesperson for Act Up who was protesting outside the Supreme Court building said “I've always been opposed to genetically modified foods but on this issue, we're in total agreement.”  

MEMO FROM THE VATICAN

All Cardinals are invited to attend the retirement dinner for Pope Benedict XVI where the Almighty God will thank him for his years of service and present him with a gift of a gold watch. Dinner will start promptly at 8:00 pm and will be held at the Carabba's Italian Grill at 327 Via Pio X. Directions are posted on the bulletin board. Cash bar.  

REST IN PEACE $3/HOUR -- $10/ALL DAY

I heard about the parking lot in England where Richard III was buried. Then I went to Disneyland and when they told me that I parked in Goofy 7 I got really emotional because I don't even know that Goofy had been sick.

Positive to positive, negative to ground

Meanwhile, in a Washington, D.C. suburb . . . .

BIDEN PUTS $1 TRILLION COIN IN “NO CHANGE” PARKING METER

Plans to resolve the nation's debt crisis by minting a $1 trillion coin went awry when Vice President Joe Biden accidentally used the coin in a parking meter that does not give out change. Biden had gone to the US Treasury to pick up the newly minted coin at the request of President Obama. On the way back to the White House, he stopped at a downtown Washington deli. “I hadn't had lunch yet,” he explained. After parallel parking, the Vice President fished in his pocket for change, producing the $1 trillion coin and putting it in the parking meter. “When I turned the little dial and the meter said parking was paid for 500 billion hours, I was all like 'uh-oh.'” The obverse of the coin is engraved with the words “$1 Trillion US Dollars” and an image of the first US Treasury Secretary Robert Morris stuffing $100 bills into a paper shredder. The reverse of the coin shows the Congress on the right and President Obama on the left. The President is shown facing away from the Congress, bent at the waist with his pants around his knees. “It's about the size of a quarter,” Biden said. “Or one of those Sacajawoo-hoos.” Shaking the parking meter repeatedly and kicking the post were “ineffective” in retrieving the coin. The Vice President then entered the deli, ordered a Rueben and a club soda with a side of pasta salad which he descirbed as “tasty.” Upon receiving news of the coin being used for parking, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney issued the following statement: “Uuuugghhhhh.”