A lack of available bile has forced the cancellation of the next Republican presidential debate. Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee said that the party has gone through bile at an unprecedented rate. “We knew this was going to be a bile-intensive campaign so we bought twice as much as we usually do when rates were low back in November, thinking that would be enough to carry us through the general election. But here it is, we're not even out of the primaries and we're already dangerously low on the foul, viscous liquid.”
Paul Shivdriver of the
American Bile Association said that bile producers are working at a
breakneck pace to keep up with demand. “Bile production is at an
all-time high, thanks to the current political climate and the GOP
debates in particular. Every bile company in America has added extra
shifts and we still can't keep up with the demand.” Earlier in the
year, rumors swirled that the Trump campaign was using bile produced
in China, but Shivdriver insisted that the campaigns are all supplied
exclusively with American made bile. Suppliers of phlegm and vitriol
are also reporting record sales.
Not only is the volume of
bile greater than in previous years, but the candidates have insisted
on using a more toxic version than ever before. Workers in Hazmat
suits sealed off the Fox Theatre in Detroit following the March 3rd
debate that left a knee-deep puddle of bile. Michigan Governor Rick
Snyder said that his state's EPA was working to decontaminate the
venue and there were no plans to bottle and ship the bile to Flint.
Not yet, anyway. Observers at other debate sites have noted that the
bile is so corrosive that it has eaten through metal chairs, concrete
floors and the very fabric of civic discourse.
When asked if President
Obama would consider releasing some of the nation's Strategic Bile
Reserves to address the shortage, White House Press Secretary Josh
Earnest replied “Eww.”
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