Ham or Thyme?

Duuuuuuude . . .

Coming soon to a roller rink near you

You probably haven't heard of him yet . . .

Adidas introduces Louisville's New Shoe

TRUMP PRAISES NAMBLA HEALTHCARE SYSTEM IN UN SPEECH

President Trump, speaking to a group of African leaders before a luncheon at the United Nations today, praised the healthcare system of NAMBLA. Reading from a prepared statement, Trump said “In Guinea and Nigeria, you fought a horrifying Ebola outbreak. NAMBLA's health system is increasing self-sufficient.” UN observers were befuddled by the comment, since the North American Man/Boy Love Association has never sent a delegation to the intergovernmental organization. Representatives of NAMBLA could not be reached for comment. And if we could reach them, we would wear gloves, because eww.   

RA, HELIOS FIGHT OVER BURNT OFFERING IN CITY PARK

At the height of yesterday's total solar eclipse, two sun gods descended from their realms to retrieve a burnt offering that was left in Jim Roberts Community Park in Franklin, Kentucky. The Greek god Helios arrived first, shocking the crowd of residents and visitors watching the celestial event. He sniffed the air and quickly made for the offering which was left just outside the home team dugout at the softball field. Local resident Vince Mulder said “Helios done caught wind of that thing and set on it like a hound dog on a wounded rabbit.” Mulder was unaware of who had left the offering or what type of animal it was. “It was charred up pretty good so I can't rightly say. Might have been a goat or a small deer or maybe one of them fat-ass racoons that got tangled up with a bar-b-cue grill. Good riddance if it was cause those bastards is forever knocking over the trash cans.

As the Greek god was dragging the offering away toward a picnic table, Egyptian sun god Ra appeared by the second tee of the disc golf course and rushed in to seize the offering by a leg. A tug-of-war ensued, and Helios shouted “Το είδα πρώτα (I saw it first)” before punching Ra in the beak. An unidentified elderly man was heard yelling “down in front!” at the scuffling deities. Local law enforcement stepped in separate the two as the melee spilled into a funnel cake stand. While Ra and Helios were giving statements to the police, Hindu sun god Ravi, quietly made off with the charred carcass. According to a police spokesman, no arrests were made.

Beth Sirles who traveled from Middletown, Ohio to witness the eclipse, described the events as “awesome and life changing” but was “disappointed to see the afternoon marred by violence”. “I wish we could all just get along,” she said, “without letting things like race or politics or which celestial realm you hail from get in the way, you know?” Local resident Clint Peavy described the events as “Obama's fault” but his wife Jeanie Peavy disagreed saying that “Ra started it and he looks like a Trump supporter to me.” 

War Headed

No hablo

I didn't read the whole transcript. Did anyone notice if Trump invited President Pena Nieto to Trump Tower Grill for a Taco Bowl? I hear that they're the best. Offer him some "Dos por Uno" coupons on those suckers and Pena Nieto would totally cave on paying for the wall. Trust me. Bigly.

Off the Top Rope

CLIFFS NOTES OF TRUMP JR'S EMAIL

--------------------------------

Sent from KGBphone

From: Russia

To: Donald Trump, Jr

Subject: Meddling in Election

Sent: June 8, 2017, 12:03pm

Hey, Donald Jr.! Want to collude with us?

-Russia

--------------------------------

Sent from Iphone

From: Donald Trump, Jr

To: Russia

Re: Meddling in Election

Sent: June 8, 2017, 12:04pm

Sure. Love to.

Let's meet at my place. What time is good 4 u?

-DT Jr.  

So now I can't go to Hobby Lobby for illegally imported ancient Iraqi artifacts or birth control? That really takes all the fun out of scrapebooking.

Tagging in for CNN

#fakewrestling

Great White Wail

You know, if I was Roger Ailes, I would totally be faking my own death right now.

KGB Records Presents – In Your Oval Office from The Donald and the Ambassadors

Vladimir Putin, legendary producer of Chaos in Syria and Ukrainian Annex and KGB records are proud to present the latest smash from The Donald and the Ambassador In Your Oval Office. Featuring never before heard songs -- “My Funny Launch Codes,” “Who we Gonna Bomb Next Time?” “I Wanna Redact You,” and "I'm Fixin' to be Nixon." Not available in stores. 

MORE SHOVELS RUSHED TO WHITE HOUSE AS TRUMP TEAM KEEPS DIGGING

Washington D.C. area hardware stores report being bought out of shovels as the Trump administration has continued to dig hole after hole for itself. Roy Toelke, assisstant manager of the Silver Springs Home Depot said the purchasing began soon after the inauguration. “Usually, we're selling mostly snow shovels in January. But this year, a bunch of fellas in dark suits and sunglasses came in and started buying spades, post-hole diggers and pretty much anything that moves dirt. We've restocked several times and still can't keep up with the demand.” Lowe's, Ace Hardware and Tractor Supply Stores across greater Washington all reported runs on various digging implements today as stories broke of the President leaking classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador.

At the White House, Press Secretary Sean Spicer was spotted behind his lectern waist deep in a trench yet still digging and mumbling about holocaust centers. Assistant Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, speaking on unfounded allegations of wire-taping by the preivous adminstration, joined Spicer in the trench swinging a mattock. White House observers have noted a plot of freshly turned earth In the Rose Garden near where Kellyanne Conway was last seen up to her neck in alternative dirt. Staff gardener Krista Raechele Bolenbaugh denied rumors of the hole being filed without removing Kellyanne first. Bolenbaugh further insisted that reporters would not hear muffled cries for help coming from beneath the mound of topsoil and that we should expect some spectacular yellow hybrid teas there this time next year.

Thus far, the hole-digging seems to be accomplished primarily with press conferences, Sunday morning talk show appearances, leaks, hand tools and interviews with Lester Holt. Spicer acknowledged that the president had used the phrase “backhoe” is recent weeks, but explained the comment was not in reference to heavy equipment but rather he was asking Sarah Palin to move in a direction opposite of forward. The digging is expected to continue until it reaches either China or an impeachable offense.  

COMEY TO ENJOY RETIREMENT FISHING, TESTIFYING

James Comey, the FBI Director recently dismissed by President Trump plans to spend his retirement focusing on leisure activities such as fishing, traveling and testifying before Senate sub-committees. “People don't realize how taxing the job is. With all the paperwork and influencing of elections, there's really no time left for a personal life,” Comey said. “I hope to finally get to spend some time relaxing, spending time with my family, maybe doing a little fishing, and spilling everything I know about Micheal Flynn and the Russians to every government committee or investigative panel who's interested.” Comey added that he recently bought a piece of land in a “very remote part of the country, or possibly some other far away country or uncharted island” where he plans to build a log cabin and fallout shelter.  

Nursery Slime

Humpty Trumpty wanted a wall.
Humpty Turmpty is bound for a fall.
At Trumpty's golf courses, all his henchmen,
Wish they'd never heard, of a guy called Mike Flynn.

clipartfest.com

Let's Get Ready to SMALL BUSINEEESSSSSS!!!!

Linda McMahon was confirmed to lead the Small Business Administration today, by a largely party line vote. Some Democrats had questioned the legality of her figure-four leg lock on Sen. Jeanne Shaheen (Dem-N.H.) while her nomination was still being debated in committee, But in today's hearing in front of the full Senate, she met with bi-partisan approval and thunderous applause after slamming Sen. Mitch McConnell (Turt-KY ) into the turnbuckle repeatedly before putting him in a sleeper hold. With McConnell unconscious on the Senate floor, the referee raised McMahon's hand as "We Are the Champions" blared from the PA.

It's Tricky

EPOH