At the height of yesterday's
total solar eclipse, two sun gods descended from their realms to
retrieve a burnt offering that was left in Jim Roberts Community Park
in Franklin, Kentucky. The Greek god Helios arrived first, shocking
the crowd of residents and visitors watching the celestial event. He
sniffed the air and quickly made for the offering which was left just
outside the home team dugout at the softball field. Local resident
Vince Mulder said “Helios done caught wind of that thing and set on
it like a hound dog on a wounded rabbit.” Mulder was unaware of who
had left the offering or what type of animal it was. “It was
charred up pretty good so I can't rightly say. Might have been a goat
or a small deer or maybe one of them fat-ass racoons that got tangled
up with a bar-b-cue grill. Good riddance if it was cause those
bastards is forever knocking over the trash cans.
As the Greek god was dragging the offering away toward a picnic
table, Egyptian sun god Ra appeared by the second tee of the disc
golf course and rushed in to seize the offering by a leg. A
tug-of-war ensued, and Helios shouted “Το
είδα πρώτα (I
saw it first)” before punching Ra in the beak. An unidentified
elderly man was heard yelling “down in front!” at the scuffling
deities. Local law enforcement stepped in separate the two as the
melee spilled into a funnel cake stand. While Ra and Helios were
giving statements to the police, Hindu sun god Ravi, quietly made off
with the charred carcass. According to a police spokesman, no arrests
were made.
Beth
Sirles who traveled from Middletown, Ohio to witness the eclipse,
described the events as “awesome and life changing” but was
“disappointed to see the afternoon marred by violence”. “I wish
we could all just get along,” she said, “without letting things
like race or politics or which celestial realm you hail from get in
the way, you know?” Local resident Clint Peavy described the events
as “Obama's fault” but his wife Jeanie Peavy disagreed saying
that “Ra started it and he looks like a Trump supporter to me.”
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