To Whom It May Concern:
I have had the honor and
privilege of serving as Donald J. Trump dentist for over 30
years. Mr. Trump's teeth are my master and I am but a humble servant.
I bow down before them, roll onto my back in a submissive posture and
hope they will scratch my belly.
Mr. Trump has the most teeth
I've ever seen in a patient in my nearly 372 years of practicing
dentistry. He has never lost a tooth. He still has all of his wisdom
teeth. He has all of my wisdom teeth. His baby teeth are stored in a
special pouch under his tongue.
The teeth of Mr. Trump are
like those of a shark, if the shark had brushed and flossed regularly
and had gotten corrective orthodontic care from an early age. Mr.
Trump however never needed such orthodontics however, since his teeth
have always been straight enough to calibrate a surveyor’s level.
When I first saw Mr.
Trump's teeth, I wept uncontrollably at their pristine beauty. I have
photographs of them that I keep in my wallet. When people ask to see
pictures of my children, I show them Trump's teeth because I wish
that my children, who are losers, had grown up half as perfect as
those teeth.
Mr. Trump's gums are as
strong as Chris Hemsworth's triceps. He flosses with the guy wire
from a radio antenna.
Mr. Trump could bite the
head off a man in the middle of 5th Avenue without losing
any voters. Even the man who's head was bitten off would still vote
for Trump. Trump would swallow the head whole, MAGA hat and all.
All of the above statements
are as true as true can be and I stake my life, my reputation and my
dentistry degree from Trump University on their veracity.
Sincerely,
Dr. Teeth, DVM
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