GSFSDBDSMSC

GSFSDBDSMSC

(Greater Sioux Falls South Dakota Bondage Dominance Sado-Masochist Social Club)

General Meeting Tonight

7:30 pm

Immediately followed by

Membership Drive/Bingo Night

Refreshments Provided

ICE CREAM SOCIALISM

OR ELSE

Standard and Poor's will restore the US Debt Rating to AAA under the following conditions:

1. $4 Trillion dollars in budget cuts, in unmarked bills, placed in a brown paper bag and left under the bench in front of S&P headquarters at 5:23 pm sharp.

2. 40 Virgins to be thrown into a volcano of S&P's choosing.

3. Remember that whole subprime mortage thing a couple years ago? Neither do we.

4. A pony.

5. 0% federal income tax rate on all Americans with the last names “Standard” or “Poor.”

6. Justin Beiber tickets (good seats this time, damn it.)

7. Fava beans and a nice chianti.

8. Any photos, video or other recording from the last Standard and Poor's board meeting after- party must be destroyed.

9. Derek Jeter embarks on an exciting new career as Special VP to Special Projects prior to the start of the Credit Rating Agencies Softball Fall League.*

10. John Boehner, Eric Cantor, Harry Reid, and Mitch McConnell to meet privately with S&P executives. Bring knee pads and a wash cloth, you'll need 'em.

*If we lose to Moody's again this year, the deal's off.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is the only person who'll pay extra for argyle socks.

DEBT CRISIS AVERTED, US TREASURY TO REDEEM CASHBACK BONUS POINTS

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced today that the looming debt ceiling crisis can easily be resolved by redeeming the cashback bonus points that have accumulated on the nation's credit cards. “We've been spending money on the national credit cards for decades,” Geithner said in a news conference. “And every month we've just been paying the 'minimum due' without even looking at the rest of the statement. Turns out, we've amassed almost $1.5 trillion dollars in cashback points we can use toward our next payment.” Geithner further noted that due to the U.S.'s triple A credit rating and good payment history, it was eligible for double cashback points on purchases of gas, lodging and military hardware (excluding Humvees.)

President Obama cheered the announcement, saying “While some in Washington would have us redeem these points for Red Lobster gift cards, now is the time to take our fiscal responsibility seriously, although the popcorn shrimp is really tempting.”

With the August 2nd deadline only a day away, Geithner was confident that defaulting on the nations debt was avoidable. “As long as we get a payment in by 5:00 pm, Eastern Standard Time, we should be golden. In fact, I'm on hold with customer service right now. “