Great White Wail

You know, if I was Roger Ailes, I would totally be faking my own death right now.

KGB Records Presents – In Your Oval Office from The Donald and the Ambassadors

Vladimir Putin, legendary producer of Chaos in Syria and Ukrainian Annex and KGB records are proud to present the latest smash from The Donald and the Ambassador In Your Oval Office. Featuring never before heard songs -- “My Funny Launch Codes,” “Who we Gonna Bomb Next Time?” “I Wanna Redact You,” and "I'm Fixin' to be Nixon." Not available in stores. 

MORE SHOVELS RUSHED TO WHITE HOUSE AS TRUMP TEAM KEEPS DIGGING

Washington D.C. area hardware stores report being bought out of shovels as the Trump administration has continued to dig hole after hole for itself. Roy Toelke, assisstant manager of the Silver Springs Home Depot said the purchasing began soon after the inauguration. “Usually, we're selling mostly snow shovels in January. But this year, a bunch of fellas in dark suits and sunglasses came in and started buying spades, post-hole diggers and pretty much anything that moves dirt. We've restocked several times and still can't keep up with the demand.” Lowe's, Ace Hardware and Tractor Supply Stores across greater Washington all reported runs on various digging implements today as stories broke of the President leaking classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador.

At the White House, Press Secretary Sean Spicer was spotted behind his lectern waist deep in a trench yet still digging and mumbling about holocaust centers. Assistant Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, speaking on unfounded allegations of wire-taping by the preivous adminstration, joined Spicer in the trench swinging a mattock. White House observers have noted a plot of freshly turned earth In the Rose Garden near where Kellyanne Conway was last seen up to her neck in alternative dirt. Staff gardener Krista Raechele Bolenbaugh denied rumors of the hole being filed without removing Kellyanne first. Bolenbaugh further insisted that reporters would not hear muffled cries for help coming from beneath the mound of topsoil and that we should expect some spectacular yellow hybrid teas there this time next year.

Thus far, the hole-digging seems to be accomplished primarily with press conferences, Sunday morning talk show appearances, leaks, hand tools and interviews with Lester Holt. Spicer acknowledged that the president had used the phrase “backhoe” is recent weeks, but explained the comment was not in reference to heavy equipment but rather he was asking Sarah Palin to move in a direction opposite of forward. The digging is expected to continue until it reaches either China or an impeachable offense.  

COMEY TO ENJOY RETIREMENT FISHING, TESTIFYING

James Comey, the FBI Director recently dismissed by President Trump plans to spend his retirement focusing on leisure activities such as fishing, traveling and testifying before Senate sub-committees. “People don't realize how taxing the job is. With all the paperwork and influencing of elections, there's really no time left for a personal life,” Comey said. “I hope to finally get to spend some time relaxing, spending time with my family, maybe doing a little fishing, and spilling everything I know about Micheal Flynn and the Russians to every government committee or investigative panel who's interested.” Comey added that he recently bought a piece of land in a “very remote part of the country, or possibly some other far away country or uncharted island” where he plans to build a log cabin and fallout shelter.