10 . . . 9 . . . 8 . . . 7 . . . 6

New Year's Eve just won't be the same this year without Dick Clark. Unless they prop him up and crudely over-dub his voice. Then it will be exactly the same.

Coming soon, to a Mayan near you . . .

KARL ROVE PREDICTS CLEVELAND BROWNS SUPERBOWL WIN

Coming off a failed prediction of a Mitt Romney presidential victory, Republican strategist Karl Rove has turned his prognosticatorial acumen toward the NFL, forecasting a Superbowl win for the Cleveland Browns. The Browns, who last played in a national championship game in 1965, fell to 2-8 on the season after yesterday's lose to Dallas. Rove predicted that the Browns would face the Ottawa Senators in the championships game and they would win “by at least 4 runs.” Nate Silver, of the blog fivethirtyeight.com, noted that only six games remain in the season making even a playoff berth for the Browns a near mathmatical impossibility. Silver did concede, however, that the Browns' chances of reaching the Superbowl were nearly identical to those of the Senators. Silver went on to describe Rove as “statistically insignificant.”   

Easy mistake to make

If you went to cast your vote today and a woman working there asked you to place a tip in her garter, you were not at the polling place but rather the pole dancing place.

BEFUDDLEMENT AS NFL TEAMS WEAR ALL PINK UNIFORMS

It was a confusing day of football as every team in the NFL chose to wear entirely pink uniforms in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Previously, the hot pink shade commonly associated with the cause had been reserved for equipment such as gloves, socks and towels. But today, players throughout the league were decked out from helmet to cleats in the familiar hue. Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was reportedly “embarrassed” to arrive at Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati and realize that he and Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict were wearing the same color. Referees in pink-on-pink pinstripes found unstacking the pile after a fumble especially confounding. Despite the confusion, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell described the uniforms as a “roaring success” noting that “damn near everyone is aware of breast cancer by now.”  

TOP DEMANDS OF THE NFL OFFICALS' UNION

Referee's microphone to be auto-tuned by Cee Lo Green on all Sunday Night games.

Failure to refer to the Line Judge, Back Judge, Field Judge or Side Judge as “your honor” will be flagged for Contempt of Football resulting in a 15 yard penalty and loss of down.

Reduction in number of times fans allowed to shout “You suck, ref!” from 800,000 per quarter to 700,000 per quarter.

Someone will finally explain to the umpire and referee why this game has both an umpire and a referee.

Narrower, more slimming stripes permitted on uniform shirts at the discretion of the Line Judge.

Revised signal for Unsportsmanlike Conduct assessed on a coach now uses only middle digits.

Sideline review monitor required to have the Sundance Channel and Sunday NFL Ticket.

Holding no longer a penalty 'cos we're just all sick of calling it.

Wide receivers and kick returners required to run at speeds that officials can keep up with.

Referee permitted to snicker as needed when calling “Illegal (snort!) Touching.”

Unrestricted touchdown celebrations allowed if officiating crew is invited (BYOB.)

All negotiations between the NFL and the Officials Union must be sealed with a firm, very firm handshake between Roger Goodell and Ed Hochuli.  

It's nice that the ham is fully cured but I find it unsettling to know that the pig had been sick.

SOURCE SAYS NEIL ARMSTRONG TOOK ASTEROIDS

A source claiming to have inside knowledge of the Apollo 11 mission says that he personally witnessed astronaut Neil Armstrong taking asteroids while on the lunar landing. “On the moon, asteroids were everywhere, man,” he said, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It was the sixties. Everyone was taking them. NASA knew all about it. We'd go to the moon and take them, bring some back on the ship and then the guys in the lab started experimenting with asteroids.” Asteroids in large quantities can be extremely dangerous, potentially even fatal. The impact of asteroids could be seen all over the moon, he said. NASA had no comment on the accusations and a spokesman would only say that there are no plans to rescind Armstrong's record as the first man to walk on the moon.

WELL ENDORSED

DONE WITH OLYMPICS, PHELPS BEGINS LONG SWIM BACK HOME

Having finished his record-setting performance at the Summer Olympic Games in London, Micheal Phelps began swimming back to his home in Baltimore. Phelps left the Olympic village early Sunday morning, tucked his passport and a Subway Italian BMT “for later” into his trunks, and dived into the Thames with his suitcase in one hand. When asked, he noted that the the four gold and two silver medals around his neck would make the swim home more difficult, but “It's worth it, I guess.” Bob Bowman, Phelps' long-time coach spoke to the swimmer shortly before he entered the water. “Right out of the Thames,” Bowman said, “Right again at the English Channel, bear left at Greenland,” as Phelps jotted notes on the palm of his hand with a marker. Bowman said that the most decorated athlete in Olympic history would take his time swimming home and is expected to arrive in Baltimore's Inner Harbor a little before dinner time tomorrow.  

KIM JONG-UN MARRIAGE CONFIRMED IN ASHLEY MADISON STATUS UPDATE

Kim Jong-un, the reclusive Supreme Leader of North Korea, has updated his Ashley Madison profile, changing his relationship status to “married.” While many western observers had long believed Kim Jong-un to be “in a relationship,” that line of his profile had previously been left blank. Representatives of the adult social website known for the slogan “Life is short. Have an affair” declined to comment on the specifics of the status update, and referred all other inquiries to their FAQ page. Much of Kim Jong -un's profile remains blank, including “location” “age” and “favorite thing to do on a first date.” Other biographical information on the newly minted dictator is available from the website. The “occupation/career” category lists “Supreme Leader of North Korea,” “education” shows “some college” and under “favorite movie” is “American Pie 4 – Band Camp.” Kim Jong-un describes himself as a “straight male seeking women for fun, chat, cyber sex and enriched plutonium.” The veracity of the profile remains in doubt however. Skeptics have noted that the profile photo does not match any known images of Kim Jong-un and appears to be a promotional still of Richard Gere from the movie “Shampoo.”

HAVING FOUND HIGGS-BOSON PHYSICISTS NOW SEEK HUGE BOSOM

In the wake of finding the elusive Higgs-Boson particle after decades of tedious searching, jubilant scientists at CERN are now turning their attention to finding a Huge Bosom for some super colliding. Researchers close to the project say that they believe the Huge Bosoms can be naturally occurring or man-made, and while they would generally prefer to find the former, right now they're not going to be picky. Experiments with CERN's Large Hadron Collider provided the evidence for the Higgs-Boson particle and it's predicted that having the world's largest collider will also give them an advantage in the new quest. Huge Bosoms have been observed by the CERN team at bars and night clubs around Geneva but they have yet to be closely examined because, lets face it, these guys are nuclear physicists.  

OBAMA CELEBRATES SUPREME COURT DECISION BY GETTING STAFF SICK

Following today's landmark decision by the Supreme Court upholding the most controversial aspects of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, President Obama celebrated by infecting the White House Staff with step throat. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, speaking with a raspy voice announced that the president apparently touched an infected person and failed to wash his hands before taking congratulatory handshakes from staff members. The disease spread quickly and soon nearly every member of the president's staff was infected. Carney said “The President wanted to show America that everyone, including his staff, would be able to visit a doctor for say . . . a throat culture and a script for Amoxicillin whenever they need it. Now, for example.” Senior White House Advisor David Plouffe appeared to have a natural immunity to the strep bacteria and was not infected despite close contact with the President and other staffers who with fevers and swollen lymph nodes. However, Plouffe tripped down the stairs and sprained his ankle requiring an ER visit in a show of solidarity. “Are there any questions?” Carney said moments before launching into an extended coughing fit. None were asked and the press corp left the briefing room in record time while applying copious amounts of hand sanitizer. 

Why does my bank have a sign with a thermometer on it? Is there some relationship between air temperature and APR buried in the arcania of my mortgage that I overlooked?

Bulletbra Parking Only

Homonyms

Pollster -- Someone conducting an opinion survey.

Polester  -- A guy who can get into all the hippest clubs in Warsaw. 

I think that Carly Simon song probably isn't about me.

BILL KILLS IN COMMITTEE

An unassuming bill proved to have quite the sense of humor in a Senate committee meeting today, killing one senator and leaving several more in stitches. "Appropriations bills are typically pretty dry, all-business types," said Senator Rob Collett (D-CO). "But this one was a total crack-up." After being introduced by committee chairman Darrell Ruthenburg (D-VA) the bill opened with some prop comedy using the reliable arrow-through-the-head gag, producing chuckles and snorts from committee members. When the bill began doing impersonations of city parking ordinances, Congressman Dan Bailey (R-KY) said "This bill is killing me, I dying over here," moments before collapsing onto the floor. EMTs were unable to revive the fallen lawmaker and a rider to contain the bill was shot down when the bill responded "Rider? I don't even know her!"The bill later told reporters, "I've known so many bills that died in committee, I figured it was me or them."

RUSH LIMBAUGH'S LAST SHRED OF DIGNITY SPOTTED HITCHHIKING

The last shred of dignity belonging to radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh was recently seen hitchhiking along the San Diego Freeway. Kelly Foldenauer, a representative of the California Department of Self-Respect said that a motorist had reported seeing a shred of dignity matching the description of Limbaugh's at a truck stop near Oceanside late Sunday night. “We see a lot of abandoned dignities in Southern California. Especially right after Oscars. It's a shame. Or in this case, a dignity.” Friends of the shred of dignity say that it had been chronically malnourished since taking the job with Limbaugh's show and they fear for it's well-being after years of abuse.

The shred of dignity had not been seen since Limbaugh's March 1^st broadcast. According to Craig Arrington, a production assistant with the Limbaugh show, the shred became visibly agitated a day earlier when Limbaugh referred to the Georgetown University student Sandra Fluke as a “slut” and a “prostitute.” “Limbaugh's dignity never had much to do around here,” said Arrington, “so he was usually just sitting in the corner reading Mother Jones. But when Rush started in on that girl, he bristled.” As Limbaugh continued the next day and suggested that Fluke should sell video of herself having sex to pay for contraception, the shred of dignity said, “That's it. I'm outta here,” and discretely exited the building.

Speculation as to the destination of Limbaugh's last shred of dignity has centered on an island of off Baja California where Morton Downey Jr.'s morals allegedly established a commune nearly twenty years ago. Glen Beck's reason is also believed to be living there along with Howard Stern's decency. The driver who reported the shred of dignity offered to give it a lift, but he was headed north to Fresno and the dignity was going south.

NASCAR CONSIDERS BAN ON TEXTING WHILE DRIVING IN THE DAYTONA 500

In the wake of a fiery crash between Juan Pablo Montoya and a jet dryer truck, NASCAR is looking at banning all texting while driving in the Daytona 500, according to NASCAR spokesperson Dan Lacefield. Speaking by telephone, Lacefield refused to say if texting while driving in the Daytona 500 was a factor in the accident in which Montoya inexplicably skidded into the truck which quickly ignited. However, enhanced video of the incident appears to show Montoya steering with his elbows while tapping rapidly with both thumbs on an iPhone sized object just before making contact.

Lacefield said that with the prevalence of smart phones and social media, distracted driving in the Daytona 500 was an increasing concern. “It used to be, we just had to worry about drivers eating hamburgers or changing a CD or putting on mascara while driving in the Daytona 500. But nowadays, a driver could be sending e-mail or checking a bid on Ebay at 180 miles per hour.”

NACSAR officials are also looking into a lap 2 crash that started when Elliott Sadler bumped Jimmie Johnson setting off a chain reaction that ultimately collected six cars, including Danica Patrick and defending Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne. Moments before the incident, a post appeared on Sadler's twitter feed reading “Totally drafting Jimmie Johnson #Daytona#.”

Similarly, Montoya's Facebook page showed that he had just “Checked In at Turn 3”shortly before losing control. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a source close to Montoya's pit crew said that they privately hoped that the accident was caused by texting while driving in the Daytona 500 because otherwise they're all working for a guy who can't drive for shit.

Lacefield said that NASCAR had considered an all out ban on cell phones in cars but drivers objected since many of them rely on the navigation apps to find their way around the race tracks. “There's nothing, nothing we take more seriously than driver safety,” he said, “except maybe all those sponsors' decals.” Lacefield than added “Merge, jackass, merge! Sorry, I'm in the car.”

Avocation

Considering my other interests, I expected to really like salsa dancing but it turns out that it's almost nothing like jell-o wrestling.

Criterion Releases GOP Presidential Debates Complete 1st Season Box Set

The Criterion Collection is honored to announce the release of the GOP Presidential Debates, Complete 1st Season box set. All 1797 minutes of laughter, tears and right-wing radicalism are here, lovingly remastered from Mona Charen's DVR. From the first episode featuring Johnson, Paul, Cain, Pawlenty and Santorum in Greenville, S.C. on May 5th, 2011 to the season finale on a December night in Sioux City, every question, every flub, every gaffe, every snarky cheap shot is included because the editor who was supposed to cut it down to feature-length gnawed off his own leg after the first 2 hours at the Avid.

Commentaries: Orly Taitz, Victoria Jackson, Micheal Steele. Available on Blu-Ray (14 disc set), DVD (14 disc set) or Betamax (every last inch of magnetic tape in the world). Language: English, CC: English, Sub-Titles: English. Not-Rated.

Slide, slide, slippity, slide

I really like the Electric Slide. It's so much more efficient than those old gravity-fed slides they had at the playground when we were kids.