Dear Santa,

For Christmas, I want a Blu-Ray Tooth player so I can watch movies in my ear.

Sincerely,

Jack

OCCUPY PADUCAH PROTESTERS UNWITTINGLY FIRST IN LINE FOR BLACK FRIDAY DEALS

Protesters who have spent nearly two months occupying a Paducah, KY strip mall have inadvertently placed themselves at the head of the line for spectacular holiday savings at nearby retailers. Organizer Russ Wozniak said of choosing the Pine Dale Shopping Mall for the protest, “We don't really have a financial district or corporate headquarters or anything in Paducah so we came here 'cause they got a Bank of America ATM.” Coincidentally, the Occupy Paducah tent city sits squarely in front of several major retailers offering deep discounts for holiday shoppers. Wozniak, a recent college graduate who has nearly $40,000 in student loans and has been unable to find work, is positioned to receive a second Kindle Touch 3G free from Best Buy, with the purchase of two or more at the regular price while supplies last.

Confusion swept the strip mall late last nights when there was a mix-up in signage between retailers and protesters. A roar went up from expectant shoppers when a sign in a K-Mart appeared to read “99% OFF SELECTED ITEMS,” before a protester moved away from the store's window. Protesters were seen with placards reading “Banks got Bailed Out, We got Sold Games! DVDs!” and “Wall Street can suck my final discount taken at the register.” Officials report that order was quickly restored without incident, although police in riot gear remain on standby.

Opinions in the shopping center were mixed. Shopper Brian Slawson said “I totally respect their right to free speech and to peaceably assemble but we also have to consider things like public safety and no rain checks.” Others, such as Missy Barton were less sympathetic. “If those patchouli-smoking ingrates get to Bed, Bath and Beyond before I do, I might personally hire that fat cop from UC Davis to pepperspray the lot of them.” Army Sgt. Kevin Steinert, who served two tours of duty in Afghanistan said “I'd love to hit up some of those deals if I had a fuckin' job.”

To Whom It May Concern

The program for today's track and field event contains a typographical error. Those competing in the Decathlon will not be throwing the violin. Meet management apologizes for any confusion this may have caused.

FLORIDA GOP MOVES UP PRIMARY TO YESTERDAY

In a move that analysts are calling unprecedented, brash and the dumbest thing we've ever heard of, the state of Florida has voted to move their primary up to yesterday. Florida had already moved their primary ahead to January 31^st, only to be outdone by South Carolina who moved their primary date ahead to January 21^st. Lenny Curry, Florida GOP Chairman, said “The only way we could figure out to keep South Carolina from jumping ahead of us again was to have already done had the damn thing.” The change was not well received by the Republican National Committee who will hold their convention in Tampa. The RNC announced that Florida would lose half of its seats at the convention and the hotel for the Florida delegation would be “a Red Roof Inn in suburban San Juan.”

SERMON ON THE DISMOUNT

GSFSDBDSMSC

GSFSDBDSMSC

(Greater Sioux Falls South Dakota Bondage Dominance Sado-Masochist Social Club)

General Meeting Tonight

7:30 pm

Immediately followed by

Membership Drive/Bingo Night

Refreshments Provided

ICE CREAM SOCIALISM

OR ELSE

Standard and Poor's will restore the US Debt Rating to AAA under the following conditions:

1. $4 Trillion dollars in budget cuts, in unmarked bills, placed in a brown paper bag and left under the bench in front of S&P headquarters at 5:23 pm sharp.

2. 40 Virgins to be thrown into a volcano of S&P's choosing.

3. Remember that whole subprime mortage thing a couple years ago? Neither do we.

4. A pony.

5. 0% federal income tax rate on all Americans with the last names “Standard” or “Poor.”

6. Justin Beiber tickets (good seats this time, damn it.)

7. Fava beans and a nice chianti.

8. Any photos, video or other recording from the last Standard and Poor's board meeting after- party must be destroyed.

9. Derek Jeter embarks on an exciting new career as Special VP to Special Projects prior to the start of the Credit Rating Agencies Softball Fall League.*

10. John Boehner, Eric Cantor, Harry Reid, and Mitch McConnell to meet privately with S&P executives. Bring knee pads and a wash cloth, you'll need 'em.

*If we lose to Moody's again this year, the deal's off.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is the only person who'll pay extra for argyle socks.

DEBT CRISIS AVERTED, US TREASURY TO REDEEM CASHBACK BONUS POINTS

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced today that the looming debt ceiling crisis can easily be resolved by redeeming the cashback bonus points that have accumulated on the nation's credit cards. “We've been spending money on the national credit cards for decades,” Geithner said in a news conference. “And every month we've just been paying the 'minimum due' without even looking at the rest of the statement. Turns out, we've amassed almost $1.5 trillion dollars in cashback points we can use toward our next payment.” Geithner further noted that due to the U.S.'s triple A credit rating and good payment history, it was eligible for double cashback points on purchases of gas, lodging and military hardware (excluding Humvees.)

President Obama cheered the announcement, saying “While some in Washington would have us redeem these points for Red Lobster gift cards, now is the time to take our fiscal responsibility seriously, although the popcorn shrimp is really tempting.”

With the August 2nd deadline only a day away, Geithner was confident that defaulting on the nations debt was avoidable. “As long as we get a payment in by 5:00 pm, Eastern Standard Time, we should be golden. In fact, I'm on hold with customer service right now. “

HOUSE AGREES TO RAISE 'DA ROOF IN RARE CONGRESSIONAL RAVE

While a deal to raise the debt ceiling remains elusive, the House of Representatives today overwhelmingly approved a measure to Raise 'da Roof in an unusual after-hours session that lasted until daybreak. John Boehner (R-Ohio) opened the proceedings by taking the mic and declaring “Yo, yo, yo – Speaker in 'da House. Ain't none of y'all leavin' till we done blowed 'da lid off this mo-fo,” all while banging his gavel in time to a funky beat.

The Speaker then introduced special guest artists “The Gang of Six” from the Senate who mixed and scratched the rest of the event. Lead singer Max Baucus (D-MT) stepped up first saying “Hey . . . ho . . . hey . . . ho,” to which Michele Bachmann (R-MN) replied “Hello . . . um, hi.”

Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) intoduced a resolution for all members to “Put they hands in 'da air.” After a brief debate, Hal Rogers (R-KY) proposed an amendment to “Wave 'em all around like ya just don't care” and the resolution passed by a vote of 434 “Hell yea's” to 0 “Hell no's” with Ron Paul (R-TX) abstaining.

A glassy-eyed Eric Cantor (R-VA) next took the floor and in an apparent attempt to freestyle said “Yo, what up, G-money-dog . . . trippin' ballz ba-donka-bling.” Sources close to Cantor later admitted that the Majority Leader had no fucking clue what he was saying and that he might have been under the influence of some Special K Street lobbyists (wink-wink).

The session began to wind down near 5:30 EDT, shortly after a bill introduced by Joe Wilson (R-S.C.) to officially declare the Tea Party the “Raucous Caucus” mercifully killed itself in committee. Speaker Boehner disbanded the meeting, taking the mic once more to say “Peace, out!” Despite a lengthy, bi-partisan ovation, there was no encore. Representatives retired to caucus at separate tables at a nearby Denny's.

When asked if there would be support in the Senate for a similar Roof Raising, Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) replied “Fo' shizzle.”

Rejected

Thank you for your recent submission. We regret to say that after careful consideration, a date with you does not suit our needs at the present time. Please understand that we review hundreds of similar submissions a year and with the limited space we have on our calendar, we are able to accept less than 5%. Your proposal to “Catch a movie or get a drink or something may this Saturday,” impressed us with its sincerity, but we felt it lacked the originality we are currently seeking in our social life. Additionally, we will be washing our hair that night.
We strongly recommend that you review several of our recent boyfriends to get a sense of our tastes and interests in our mates. Please do not resubmit this date unless it has been substantially revised first.
Again, thank you for allowing us to consider you and best of luck in placing yourself elsewhere.

SAMPLE BALLOT FROM LIBYAN ELECTIONS

In a shocking development, the official Libyan news agency JANA is reporting that Libya will soon hold elections. A sample ballot is shown below:


Supreme All-Time Prime Colonel President for Life
(Check one)
[] M. Gadhafi
[] M. Gaddafi
[] M. el-Qaddafi
[] M. Khadafy
[] M. Khadafi

Sir Realism

News from Minneapolis

From: bfarve@mnvikings.com
To: bob@stpaultireandbattery.com
Subject: re -- tires

Bob-

White-walls.

-Brett



From: bob@stpaultireandbattery.com
To: bfarve@mnvikings.com
Subject: Tires

Mr. Farve-

Did you want those new radials for the 2011 Navigator in white-walls or black-walls?

-Bob