Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Friday, July 11, 2014
TED NUGENT “IN AWE” OF STEVEN SPIELBERG'S TRICERATOPS KILL
Appearing
to fall hook, line and sinker for an internet hoax, aging rock and
roller, hunter and gun rights activist Ted Nugent described himself
as “in awe” of Steven Spielberg after seeing a picture of the
Oscar-winning director next to a triceratops that the he had
allegedly shot and killed. “I used to think he was just some hippie
Hollywood liberal,” Nugent said. “But after seeing that thing he
killed, I realized he's a total badass.” The photograph, showing
Spielberg on the set on his 1993 dinosaur thriller Jurassic
Park next to a life-sized
triceratops prop, has been widely circulated on social media with a
satirical story claiming that Spielberg had killed the creature. Most
readers who fell for the hoax were outraged, but Nugent described the
story as “the coolest thing since I shit my pants to avoid serving
in Vietnam.” When informed that the triceratops had been extinct for 66
million years, Nugent replied “I don't give a damn how long it's been on
the endangered species list or the extincted species list. I want to
kill one of them things. The 2nd
Amendment gives all Americans the right to keep and bare arms to
defend ourselves against bears or triceratopses or wolves or . . .
walruses.” When reporters went on to explain that the triceratops
in the picture was a prop similar to the props used in E.T.,
Nugent became visibly excited
and said, “If he wants to shoot that little green fucker, he can
totally use my ranch!”
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
116 YEAR OLD AMELIA EARHART FLIES MALAYSIA FLIGHT 370 TO SAFETY
Malaysia
Air Flight 370, missing for over seven weeks, was piloted to safe
landing in Beijing the famed lost aviator Amelia Earhart early this
morning. Mechanical problems forced the Boeing 787 off-course and it
made an emergency landing on a tiny island in the Indian Ocean when
pilot Zaharie
Ahmad Shah spotted a remarkably spry 116
year-old woman frantically waving her arms. Earhart scavenged parts
from her custom Lockhead Electra 10C to repair the Boeing, while her
navigator Fred Noonan entertained the passengers and crew with
coconut milk cocktails and grilled mahi-mahi. They then took off
with Earhart at the controls telling Shah and his crew “I got this.
Y'all can just chill.” Upon landing in Beijing, Shah announced that
the flight was 1224 behind schedule and that Malaysian Air personal
would be at the gate to assist any travelers whose final destination
was not Beijing. Earhart and Noonan then continued on, destined for
Oakland, California, intending to finally complete their planned
circumnavigation of the globe.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Friday, April 4, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
OREGON DECLARES STATE OF EMERGENCY AS WASHINGTON SHOWS UP WITH MUNCHIES AT 4 AM
Oregon Governor John
Kitzhaber declared a State of Emergency early this morning as the
entire population of Washington state descended on its southern
neighbor with little warning following the Seattle Seahawks victory
in the Superbowl Sunday night. The first signs of trouble came at
3:48 am when Kitzhaber's office received a text from Washington
Governor Jay Inslee's cell number saying “Duuuude, we're coming
ovr.” Widespread reports of crowds massing at 7-Elevens near the
Washington/Oregon border began coming in shortly after. What
initially appeared to be a makeshift refugee camp in suburban
Portland was later found to be the line for a table at a Waffle
House.
The Oregon National Guard is
said to be working on air-lifting extra extra extra extra large thin
crusts with half pepperoni and black olives, and half veggie supreme
to the worst hit areas. The Red Cross is also aiding in the relief
effort, sending blankets, water and several tractor trailers full of
Cheez-Its.
Already, there is some
criticism of the speed of the reaction to the crisis by Oregon
emergency agencies. Eugene resident Tammy Lacefield said “We really
should have been able to see this coming by the end of the third
quarter at least,” and further noted that while Washington is a
good friend and they go way back, they pull this shit all the time.
Monday, January 13, 2014
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