BIDEN PUTS $1 TRILLION COIN IN “NO CHANGE” PARKING METER

Plans to resolve the nation's debt crisis by minting a $1 trillion coin went awry when Vice President Joe Biden accidentally used the coin in a parking meter that does not give out change. Biden had gone to the US Treasury to pick up the newly minted coin at the request of President Obama. On the way back to the White House, he stopped at a downtown Washington deli. “I hadn't had lunch yet,” he explained. After parallel parking, the Vice President fished in his pocket for change, producing the $1 trillion coin and putting it in the parking meter. “When I turned the little dial and the meter said parking was paid for 500 billion hours, I was all like 'uh-oh.'” The obverse of the coin is engraved with the words “$1 Trillion US Dollars” and an image of the first US Treasury Secretary Robert Morris stuffing $100 bills into a paper shredder. The reverse of the coin shows the Congress on the right and President Obama on the left. The President is shown facing away from the Congress, bent at the waist with his pants around his knees. “It's about the size of a quarter,” Biden said. “Or one of those Sacajawoo-hoos.” Shaking the parking meter repeatedly and kicking the post were “ineffective” in retrieving the coin. The Vice President then entered the deli, ordered a Rueben and a club soda with a side of pasta salad which he descirbed as “tasty.” Upon receiving news of the coin being used for parking, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney issued the following statement: “Uuuugghhhhh.”

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New Year's Eve just won't be the same this year without Dick Clark. Unless they prop him up and crudely over-dub his voice. Then it will be exactly the same.

Coming soon, to a Mayan near you . . .

KARL ROVE PREDICTS CLEVELAND BROWNS SUPERBOWL WIN

Coming off a failed prediction of a Mitt Romney presidential victory, Republican strategist Karl Rove has turned his prognosticatorial acumen toward the NFL, forecasting a Superbowl win for the Cleveland Browns. The Browns, who last played in a national championship game in 1965, fell to 2-8 on the season after yesterday's lose to Dallas. Rove predicted that the Browns would face the Ottawa Senators in the championships game and they would win “by at least 4 runs.” Nate Silver, of the blog fivethirtyeight.com, noted that only six games remain in the season making even a playoff berth for the Browns a near mathmatical impossibility. Silver did concede, however, that the Browns' chances of reaching the Superbowl were nearly identical to those of the Senators. Silver went on to describe Rove as “statistically insignificant.”   

Easy mistake to make

If you went to cast your vote today and a woman working there asked you to place a tip in her garter, you were not at the polling place but rather the pole dancing place.