Gollum Slalom

OREGON DECLARES STATE OF EMERGENCY AS WASHINGTON SHOWS UP WITH MUNCHIES AT 4 AM

Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber declared a State of Emergency early this morning as the entire population of Washington state descended on its southern neighbor with little warning following the Seattle Seahawks victory in the Superbowl Sunday night. The first signs of trouble came at 3:48 am when Kitzhaber's office received a text from Washington Governor Jay Inslee's cell number saying “Duuuude, we're coming ovr.” Widespread reports of crowds massing at 7-Elevens near the Washington/Oregon border began coming in shortly after. What initially appeared to be a makeshift refugee camp in suburban Portland was later found to be the line for a table at a Waffle House.

The Oregon National Guard is said to be working on air-lifting extra extra extra extra large thin crusts with half pepperoni and black olives, and half veggie supreme to the worst hit areas. The Red Cross is also aiding in the relief effort, sending blankets, water and several tractor trailers full of Cheez-Its.

Already, there is some criticism of the speed of the reaction to the crisis by Oregon emergency agencies. Eugene resident Tammy Lacefield said “We really should have been able to see this coming by the end of the third quarter at least,” and further noted that while Washington is a good friend and they go way back, they pull this shit all the time.

I think Leann Rimes and Busta Rhyme should do an album together. They could call it "Rimes with Rhyme." I'd buy it.

Should we pronounce "ww" as "quadruple u?"

LESS MERITORIOUS IDEAS TO EMERGE FROM CONGRESSIONAL BRAINSTORMING ON AVERTING NATIONAL FINANCIAL RUIN

What if every man, woman and child in the nation donates a pint of plasma?

There's a lot of copper in that Statue of Liberty. Just sayin'.

Do we still have the receipt from the Louisiana Purchase?

The NSA should add every possible combination of 10 digit numbers to their “Friends and Family.”
Belmont. Third race. 4-7-9 Trifecta box.

There's this Nigerian prince who's been e-mailing me. We just need to send him them routing number.

Maybe we could just keep not giving a shit, like we have been.

What if nickels were really quarters?

You know, if everybody in the country were to pitch in a little money, more if they can afford it, and then we divi – Nah. Nevermind.