TOP DEMANDS OF THE NFL OFFICALS' UNION

Referee's microphone to be auto-tuned by Cee Lo Green on all Sunday Night games.

Failure to refer to the Line Judge, Back Judge, Field Judge or Side Judge as “your honor” will be flagged for Contempt of Football resulting in a 15 yard penalty and loss of down.

Reduction in number of times fans allowed to shout “You suck, ref!” from 800,000 per quarter to 700,000 per quarter.

Someone will finally explain to the umpire and referee why this game has both an umpire and a referee.

Narrower, more slimming stripes permitted on uniform shirts at the discretion of the Line Judge.

Revised signal for Unsportsmanlike Conduct assessed on a coach now uses only middle digits.

Sideline review monitor required to have the Sundance Channel and Sunday NFL Ticket.

Holding no longer a penalty 'cos we're just all sick of calling it.

Wide receivers and kick returners required to run at speeds that officials can keep up with.

Referee permitted to snicker as needed when calling “Illegal (snort!) Touching.”

Unrestricted touchdown celebrations allowed if officiating crew is invited (BYOB.)

All negotiations between the NFL and the Officials Union must be sealed with a firm, very firm handshake between Roger Goodell and Ed Hochuli.  

It's nice that the ham is fully cured but I find it unsettling to know that the pig had been sick.

SOURCE SAYS NEIL ARMSTRONG TOOK ASTEROIDS

A source claiming to have inside knowledge of the Apollo 11 mission says that he personally witnessed astronaut Neil Armstrong taking asteroids while on the lunar landing. “On the moon, asteroids were everywhere, man,” he said, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It was the sixties. Everyone was taking them. NASA knew all about it. We'd go to the moon and take them, bring some back on the ship and then the guys in the lab started experimenting with asteroids.” Asteroids in large quantities can be extremely dangerous, potentially even fatal. The impact of asteroids could be seen all over the moon, he said. NASA had no comment on the accusations and a spokesman would only say that there are no plans to rescind Armstrong's record as the first man to walk on the moon.

WELL ENDORSED

DONE WITH OLYMPICS, PHELPS BEGINS LONG SWIM BACK HOME

Having finished his record-setting performance at the Summer Olympic Games in London, Micheal Phelps began swimming back to his home in Baltimore. Phelps left the Olympic village early Sunday morning, tucked his passport and a Subway Italian BMT “for later” into his trunks, and dived into the Thames with his suitcase in one hand. When asked, he noted that the the four gold and two silver medals around his neck would make the swim home more difficult, but “It's worth it, I guess.” Bob Bowman, Phelps' long-time coach spoke to the swimmer shortly before he entered the water. “Right out of the Thames,” Bowman said, “Right again at the English Channel, bear left at Greenland,” as Phelps jotted notes on the palm of his hand with a marker. Bowman said that the most decorated athlete in Olympic history would take his time swimming home and is expected to arrive in Baltimore's Inner Harbor a little before dinner time tomorrow.  

KIM JONG-UN MARRIAGE CONFIRMED IN ASHLEY MADISON STATUS UPDATE

Kim Jong-un, the reclusive Supreme Leader of North Korea, has updated his Ashley Madison profile, changing his relationship status to “married.” While many western observers had long believed Kim Jong-un to be “in a relationship,” that line of his profile had previously been left blank. Representatives of the adult social website known for the slogan “Life is short. Have an affair” declined to comment on the specifics of the status update, and referred all other inquiries to their FAQ page. Much of Kim Jong -un's profile remains blank, including “location” “age” and “favorite thing to do on a first date.” Other biographical information on the newly minted dictator is available from the website. The “occupation/career” category lists “Supreme Leader of North Korea,” “education” shows “some college” and under “favorite movie” is “American Pie 4 – Band Camp.” Kim Jong-un describes himself as a “straight male seeking women for fun, chat, cyber sex and enriched plutonium.” The veracity of the profile remains in doubt however. Skeptics have noted that the profile photo does not match any known images of Kim Jong-un and appears to be a promotional still of Richard Gere from the movie “Shampoo.”

HAVING FOUND HIGGS-BOSON PHYSICISTS NOW SEEK HUGE BOSOM

In the wake of finding the elusive Higgs-Boson particle after decades of tedious searching, jubilant scientists at CERN are now turning their attention to finding a Huge Bosom for some super colliding. Researchers close to the project say that they believe the Huge Bosoms can be naturally occurring or man-made, and while they would generally prefer to find the former, right now they're not going to be picky. Experiments with CERN's Large Hadron Collider provided the evidence for the Higgs-Boson particle and it's predicted that having the world's largest collider will also give them an advantage in the new quest. Huge Bosoms have been observed by the CERN team at bars and night clubs around Geneva but they have yet to be closely examined because, lets face it, these guys are nuclear physicists.