MORE SHOVELS RUSHED TO WHITE HOUSE AS TRUMP TEAM KEEPS DIGGING

Washington D.C. area hardware stores report being bought out of shovels as the Trump administration has continued to dig hole after hole for itself. Roy Toelke, assisstant manager of the Silver Springs Home Depot said the purchasing began soon after the inauguration. “Usually, we're selling mostly snow shovels in January. But this year, a bunch of fellas in dark suits and sunglasses came in and started buying spades, post-hole diggers and pretty much anything that moves dirt. We've restocked several times and still can't keep up with the demand.” Lowe's, Ace Hardware and Tractor Supply Stores across greater Washington all reported runs on various digging implements today as stories broke of the President leaking classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador.

At the White House, Press Secretary Sean Spicer was spotted behind his lectern waist deep in a trench yet still digging and mumbling about holocaust centers. Assistant Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, speaking on unfounded allegations of wire-taping by the preivous adminstration, joined Spicer in the trench swinging a mattock. White House observers have noted a plot of freshly turned earth In the Rose Garden near where Kellyanne Conway was last seen up to her neck in alternative dirt. Staff gardener Krista Raechele Bolenbaugh denied rumors of the hole being filed without removing Kellyanne first. Bolenbaugh further insisted that reporters would not hear muffled cries for help coming from beneath the mound of topsoil and that we should expect some spectacular yellow hybrid teas there this time next year.

Thus far, the hole-digging seems to be accomplished primarily with press conferences, Sunday morning talk show appearances, leaks, hand tools and interviews with Lester Holt. Spicer acknowledged that the president had used the phrase “backhoe” is recent weeks, but explained the comment was not in reference to heavy equipment but rather he was asking Sarah Palin to move in a direction opposite of forward. The digging is expected to continue until it reaches either China or an impeachable offense.