Homonyms

Pollster -- Someone conducting an opinion survey.

Polester  -- A guy who can get into all the hippest clubs in Warsaw. 

I think that Carly Simon song probably isn't about me.

BILL KILLS IN COMMITTEE

An unassuming bill proved to have quite the sense of humor in a Senate committee meeting today, killing one senator and leaving several more in stitches. "Appropriations bills are typically pretty dry, all-business types," said Senator Rob Collett (D-CO). "But this one was a total crack-up." After being introduced by committee chairman Darrell Ruthenburg (D-VA) the bill opened with some prop comedy using the reliable arrow-through-the-head gag, producing chuckles and snorts from committee members. When the bill began doing impersonations of city parking ordinances, Congressman Dan Bailey (R-KY) said "This bill is killing me, I dying over here," moments before collapsing onto the floor. EMTs were unable to revive the fallen lawmaker and a rider to contain the bill was shot down when the bill responded "Rider? I don't even know her!"The bill later told reporters, "I've known so many bills that died in committee, I figured it was me or them."

RUSH LIMBAUGH'S LAST SHRED OF DIGNITY SPOTTED HITCHHIKING

The last shred of dignity belonging to radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh was recently seen hitchhiking along the San Diego Freeway. Kelly Foldenauer, a representative of the California Department of Self-Respect said that a motorist had reported seeing a shred of dignity matching the description of Limbaugh's at a truck stop near Oceanside late Sunday night. “We see a lot of abandoned dignities in Southern California. Especially right after Oscars. It's a shame. Or in this case, a dignity.” Friends of the shred of dignity say that it had been chronically malnourished since taking the job with Limbaugh's show and they fear for it's well-being after years of abuse.

The shred of dignity had not been seen since Limbaugh's March 1^st broadcast. According to Craig Arrington, a production assistant with the Limbaugh show, the shred became visibly agitated a day earlier when Limbaugh referred to the Georgetown University student Sandra Fluke as a “slut” and a “prostitute.” “Limbaugh's dignity never had much to do around here,” said Arrington, “so he was usually just sitting in the corner reading Mother Jones. But when Rush started in on that girl, he bristled.” As Limbaugh continued the next day and suggested that Fluke should sell video of herself having sex to pay for contraception, the shred of dignity said, “That's it. I'm outta here,” and discretely exited the building.

Speculation as to the destination of Limbaugh's last shred of dignity has centered on an island of off Baja California where Morton Downey Jr.'s morals allegedly established a commune nearly twenty years ago. Glen Beck's reason is also believed to be living there along with Howard Stern's decency. The driver who reported the shred of dignity offered to give it a lift, but he was headed north to Fresno and the dignity was going south.

NASCAR CONSIDERS BAN ON TEXTING WHILE DRIVING IN THE DAYTONA 500

In the wake of a fiery crash between Juan Pablo Montoya and a jet dryer truck, NASCAR is looking at banning all texting while driving in the Daytona 500, according to NASCAR spokesperson Dan Lacefield. Speaking by telephone, Lacefield refused to say if texting while driving in the Daytona 500 was a factor in the accident in which Montoya inexplicably skidded into the truck which quickly ignited. However, enhanced video of the incident appears to show Montoya steering with his elbows while tapping rapidly with both thumbs on an iPhone sized object just before making contact.

Lacefield said that with the prevalence of smart phones and social media, distracted driving in the Daytona 500 was an increasing concern. “It used to be, we just had to worry about drivers eating hamburgers or changing a CD or putting on mascara while driving in the Daytona 500. But nowadays, a driver could be sending e-mail or checking a bid on Ebay at 180 miles per hour.”

NACSAR officials are also looking into a lap 2 crash that started when Elliott Sadler bumped Jimmie Johnson setting off a chain reaction that ultimately collected six cars, including Danica Patrick and defending Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne. Moments before the incident, a post appeared on Sadler's twitter feed reading “Totally drafting Jimmie Johnson #Daytona#.”

Similarly, Montoya's Facebook page showed that he had just “Checked In at Turn 3”shortly before losing control. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a source close to Montoya's pit crew said that they privately hoped that the accident was caused by texting while driving in the Daytona 500 because otherwise they're all working for a guy who can't drive for shit.

Lacefield said that NASCAR had considered an all out ban on cell phones in cars but drivers objected since many of them rely on the navigation apps to find their way around the race tracks. “There's nothing, nothing we take more seriously than driver safety,” he said, “except maybe all those sponsors' decals.” Lacefield than added “Merge, jackass, merge! Sorry, I'm in the car.”

Avocation

Considering my other interests, I expected to really like salsa dancing but it turns out that it's almost nothing like jell-o wrestling.