OR ELSE

Standard and Poor's will restore the US Debt Rating to AAA under the following conditions:

1. $4 Trillion dollars in budget cuts, in unmarked bills, placed in a brown paper bag and left under the bench in front of S&P headquarters at 5:23 pm sharp.

2. 40 Virgins to be thrown into a volcano of S&P's choosing.

3. Remember that whole subprime mortage thing a couple years ago? Neither do we.

4. A pony.

5. 0% federal income tax rate on all Americans with the last names “Standard” or “Poor.”

6. Justin Beiber tickets (good seats this time, damn it.)

7. Fava beans and a nice chianti.

8. Any photos, video or other recording from the last Standard and Poor's board meeting after- party must be destroyed.

9. Derek Jeter embarks on an exciting new career as Special VP to Special Projects prior to the start of the Credit Rating Agencies Softball Fall League.*

10. John Boehner, Eric Cantor, Harry Reid, and Mitch McConnell to meet privately with S&P executives. Bring knee pads and a wash cloth, you'll need 'em.

*If we lose to Moody's again this year, the deal's off.