DEBT CRISIS AVERTED, US TREASURY TO REDEEM CASHBACK BONUS POINTS

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced today that the looming debt ceiling crisis can easily be resolved by redeeming the cashback bonus points that have accumulated on the nation's credit cards. “We've been spending money on the national credit cards for decades,” Geithner said in a news conference. “And every month we've just been paying the 'minimum due' without even looking at the rest of the statement. Turns out, we've amassed almost $1.5 trillion dollars in cashback points we can use toward our next payment.” Geithner further noted that due to the U.S.'s triple A credit rating and good payment history, it was eligible for double cashback points on purchases of gas, lodging and military hardware (excluding Humvees.)

President Obama cheered the announcement, saying “While some in Washington would have us redeem these points for Red Lobster gift cards, now is the time to take our fiscal responsibility seriously, although the popcorn shrimp is really tempting.”

With the August 2nd deadline only a day away, Geithner was confident that defaulting on the nations debt was avoidable. “As long as we get a payment in by 5:00 pm, Eastern Standard Time, we should be golden. In fact, I'm on hold with customer service right now. “